And Be Thankful...

Apparently, being thankful is a mandatory endeavor for this time of year. I find thankfulness to be, as other emotions, a choice. A few years ago I remember Oprah challenging viewers to create and maintain a daily gratitude journal. Her premise was that each evening you were to write five things that you are thankful for. She surmised that "If you start focusing on what you have and what you're grateful for, you will then begin to see more." I have never been a big “name it and claim it” person theologically, but sometimes in dealing with life---it rings true.

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful” (Colossians 3:15 NIV). This scripture was brought to mind during this Thanksgiving season. We are CALLED to peace and to thankfulness. This scripture implies that peace is found within the boundaries of thankfulness. The benefit of thankfulness is peace—real peace—not the kind the world gives. As I looked across the Thanksgiving table at my fiancé, parents, brothers, in-laws, nephews and good friends, I was absolutely thankful.

Having a grateful spirit when life seems less than so, is not easy. Taking steps to create a thankful heart is often demanding. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving a good friend’s daughter was in a car accident on the way home from college. My friend received a vague report of the accident while at school. Fortunately, I was available to be with her as she contacted her husband for the details of the accident. For twenty minutes we waited on news. A portrait of gratitude could not have been painted more unmistakably than on my friend’s face when hearing the news that her daughter was safe. OH, what a thankful heart she must have today—and peace---yeah! It puts life into perspective.

Tonight, my grateful journal would read something like this:

• For the love of family and friends, I am forever grateful
• For the hope of another great love, I am thankful.
• For the gift of infinite laughter, I am grateful.
• For the shelter of a HOME---not a house, I am thankful.
• For the spiritual legacy of the faithful gone before me, I am grateful.

This I know for sure…

No Writing Gene

There is no “writing gene”—no magic formula to become a good (even mediocre) writer EXCEPT that in order to be a good writer—you MUST READ. My freshman in college just came to this realization. What makes me the proud mama I am is that he has decided to do something about his state of affairs and start to read!!!! Yes, in order to be a writer—you MUST read—and then---read. SO-I openly state that C. C. is one amazing young man who will someday find his "voice".

This I know for sure...
UPDATE: C. flew in the door on Thursday with an A+ on his sociology research paper. YEP--it went up on the refrigerator.

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take
But by the moments that take our breath away”

My first blog regarding this quote was on October 14, 2006. I proceeded listing those moments in my life, which have truly taken my breath away. Today, I find a new event to add to those that take my breath away and acknowledge it to all:

Events such as when…
…the man I have fallen in love with reaches for my hand, and places a beautiful 1.5 carat pav’e set diamond ring upon it and asks: “will you marry me?”—Yes, that is a moment, which takes my breath away---and did this weekend.

Psalms 30:5 states: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” My joy has come—our joy has come. It has grown over the past 14 months into something remarkable.

I often post on the YWBB that I believe those who loved well once, will love well again. I believe that the love I was able to nourish and grow all those years is the foundation of my love today. So, I embrace the future with hope that life will only continue to become more tender and fulfilling. I enter this “chapter two” with my eyes wide open. We no longer are carefree youths and life challenges, like blending two families, will be challenging; but, love is an amazing glue that binds the past with the future, memory to dream and family to family. Life will not be without its challenges, but isn’t that what living is all about? I won’t lose the opportunity for happiness due to fear of the unknown.

When I am teaching writing to my students we often concentrate on creating “strong leads”. As my “chapter two” begins, we have a tremendously strong lead. Our story to this point is quite amazing, one I will write down at some later date, but for now---I just want to share my happiness in the moment—the sense of contentment with the present and yes, great joy for the future.

This I know for sure...

Taking the High Road!!

I opened my word processor today with every intention of regaling you with an inspiring anecdote while patting myself on the back for seemingly "taking the high road" in a situation at work. Looking for a quote to support my haughtiness, I came across this one:

"Spiritual growth comes from the sum of all of our life experiences. When we choose to take the high road in situations it is often the result of having taken the low road at an earlier turn along the path."

Dang—arrogance—it is an ugly thing. I outwardly took the high road this time, only because I had staggered down the low road earlier, so never mind. It wasn't that great of an effort on my part after all. It was simply the attempt to resolve what I had screwed up to begin with.

Reflection—think I will get rid of that mirror.

This I know for sure…

What I Know for Sure----for REAL!!!

How many times have you cried out to God—wanting to simply know WHY? Why did I lose my job? Why is my marriage falling apart? Why is my child ill? Why was my husband taken away from me too soon? Sitting in my pew this morning, I was feeling a bit out of place. It has been a long week—one of dealing with disappointments and having to come to terms with the role my job will now play in my life. I was tired—weary—and a bit—negative. P.T. was summarizing the main points of his sermons the past few weeks based on the book of Ecclesiastes. He reiterated something he said earlier this month, but didn’t have the impact it did as I listened today. He merely said, “Don’t let what you DON’T understand destroy what you already know.” Unfortunately, I didn’t hear anything more---my mind turned this idea over and over.

I contemplated my blog and its title: What I Know for Sure. I discovered how trite this statement could seem without truly scrutinizing what it is that I DO know for sure. What are the absolutes in my life that I am so quick to pass over when life becomes unbearable? Why am I so quick to doubt, when there is so much that I know for sure.

It seems to be the popular thing to "take stock" these days. I have received, what seems like, a plethora of emails from friends urging me to stock of something in my life. The last one was “My Favorite Four”. The first few of these I received were somewhat novel: What are four paying jobs I have had in my life? What are four of my favorite foods? etc… I am even guilty of passing on one or two of these surveys, but now---I simply press, “delete” and deal with the four years of bad luck that is certain to come my way. I find myself in need of “taking stock” in a more constructive manner. Today, I have decided to take stock of what it is “I know”, so that when the winds of insecurity and fear blow into my life; I will not permit these absolutes to be shattered.

What I know for sure….the absolutes:

1. I have a relationship with a loving heavenly Father who loves and cares for me unconditionally. One who sustains my life and allows me to live courageously.
2. My parent’s love is unconditional. I am fortunate in this aspect. This fact has nothing to do with what I have done, but everything to do with who they are. Though I am sure I have disappointed them, I know their love remains unbroken.
3. I love my children unconditionally. There is absolutely NOTHING they could do to lose my love for them.
4. I am not perfect-and neither is anyone else. The grace I long to cover me—must also be afforded to others.
5. Contentment is a choice. It doesn’t come to me under obligation or because I am “due” it in any way.
6. Accepting the present creates the ability to build a positive future—one with hope and promise.
7. Allowing God to work within my life; to guide my judgment and mind-set develops the inner strength needed to face adversity.
8. I will experience disappointment, heartache and sorrow. It is inevitable and unfortunately just because I have experienced something devastating, doesn’t mean I have been given immunity to heartache. HOWEVER, there is One who has gone before me, experienced each of these and created within me strength for persevering through them.
9. There is no substitution for strong, enduring friendships. When life’s trials grow more than I can handle—I simple lean on my incredible friendships—those who have chosen to walk the road with me. I am more than blessed in this area and I NEVER want to take them for granted, but always want to celebrate what each and every one of them mean to me.
10. NEVER, NEVER, EVER say “NEVER” -it will, beyond a doubt bite you in the butt… So what is the lesson--I will not be bound by these absolutes, but will be guided by them.

Now, they are in print, my absolutes---what are yours? This is much more important than your favorite food----take stock so that when you are confronted with those life situations that don’t make sense; you are still able to hold onto your absolute truths-those things you...

ALREADY KNOW FOR SURE...

Bliss - the Stolen Blog Subject

I love great writing. I especially admire exceptional writing, which makes me laugh and also aspires me to think. This afternoon, I sat down to read some of my friend’s blogs when I came upon an entry by Annie about a newspaper column she had read. Intrigued, I did what any overly curious person would do and I “Googled” the author of the column: Mark Morford (SFGate). I found the article, read it and then two hours later left my computer (after reading some of his archived works). I snickered. I laughed and yes, I really thought.

This particular column, the subject of Annie’s blog, was entitled: Behold the Bliss Watch List (if you click on the title you, too, can read it).

I interrupt this blog for the familial disclaimers: Evan & Marc—you will love this guy: Dad—just get past the expletives and read the other words: Mom—I know you will like this guy’s writing, but won’t be able to admit it—that’s ok-we understand.

Morford’s assertion is that by creating a diametrically oppositional list to the “US Terrorist Watch List”, we could override the database and perhaps even shut it down (he uses much more colorful words—I can't do him justic). He wants to call this the “Bliss Watch List” (BWL). Here are the qualifications of being placed on such a “list”.

“Our screening process will be rigorous and incontrovertible and true. The BWL will contain only the names of people widely suspected of being savvy, titillating, open-hearted, deeply lovable, sexed-up geniuses of divine intent and hot self-exploration and ravenous intellectual curiosity.

It will contain the names of anyone who is suspected of daring to understand that life is not, in fact, a clenched and harrowing slog, but an actual ongoing, incessant, stunning manifestation of the divine, even when it's dirty and violent and obnoxious and horribly dressed and seems to contain only a bleak never-ending rundown of doom and decay and Dick Cheney. It's just that kind of list.”

So, here I sit, at my computer, vigorously raising my hand—PUT ME ON THE LIST, BABY if I am not "there" yet, I will work my way onto it!!

This I know for sure...

What I have gotten used to:

Today I was challenged to take a look at my life and examine what I have gotten used to, or comfortable with. This examination has been two-fold for me. For one, I contemplated what I was comfortable with that has changed and left me a bit out of my element. On the other hand I have scrutinized those areas in my life that I have become too comfortable with that have left me, for lack of a better word; lazy.

For my entire career I have had close friendships and experienced strong camaraderie at work. I am helplessly relationship driven and am fortunate to have strong connections with others in my life. With my position change this year, came a change in school buildings. I have not experienced the same comfort-zone that friendship at work afforded me in the past. Instead I find myself in a specialized atmosphere where I can perform professionally with few personal connections. I find that I no longer find those work-connections essential to my happiness on the job. Strong family and friendships outside the workplace anchor my life at this point. After analyzing, I am wondering if this isn’t God preparing me for the next step in my career. So though I was not as comfortable with this change in the beginning, I am growing to accept it and even embrace the freedom it affords.

In contrast, there are definitely areas of my life I have become too comfortable with which need to be addressed. I no longer am driven to exercise. This isn’t really a good thing. There is no reason for this other than I have been too lazy. How long does it take to walk? 30 minutes? I certainly choose to waste this much time completing trivial tasks each day. Yet, it has become “comfortable” to simply bypass the exertion. I have also become “comfortable” with clutter---NOT clutter that anyone can see, but closets, cabinets and such. I can find “stuff" stored in these areas---well---most of the time. This change did not happen over night, but is something I have gotten used to over time. It is surprising that I would become content with something that 2 years ago would have driven me crazy.

Perhaps it is time to embrace the comfort zone changes that have left me a sense of calm and to begin to change those that have compromised my standards. Either way, I suppose that comfort zone changes are like all other changes in life ----they merely take time.

This I know for sure...

Indecision 2008

Please grant me this post--I promise it will be my ONLY politically motivated post of the "season".

Is anyone else having a difficult time deciding who to vote for this next election? I am in a HUGE quandary. Many of my liberal friends call me a closet liberal, although I am a registered Republican. I often find that my ideals as a teacher conflict with my conservative views. If someone were to ask, I would consider myself an independent, but I like to vote in the primaries; so Republican I am. Today, a good friend sent me the following link:

Select the Candidate Quiz

I encourage everyone to complete it before reading on…..

I am not going to reveal who the quiz decided I should vote for. I am just rebellious enough to confess the candidate selected for me doesn’t have a prayer, but… this quiz ignited quite the discussion in my household tonight. First, I took the quiz and revealed my candidate. Then, Kent took the test and revealed his candidate. Finally, Chandler, my 11-year-old came up from playing downstairs and asked if he could take the test. For the next 30 minutes or so, we discussed abortion, taxes, death penalty, gay marriages and immigration. I don’t think I have ever discussed these topics with my son beyond the casual blurb here and there. It was interesting to read the questions with him, discuss what they meant, and then allow him to make the decision for himself. It was enlightening to have such deep discussions with one so young. Though I could easily have swayed his vote, I tried to be as “fair-minded” as possible and give him the information without the editorial—though I will admit on certain issues I expounded far more than necessary.

What makes up our moral compass when it comes to those we elect into office? As I watched my 11-year-old, I could see he answered from the “gut”. He has no experience with taxes or immigration and was simply concerned with the “people”—until we got to absolutes like the death penalty and abortion. On those issues he tended, like many folks, to be inconsistent with his decision. Someday someone will explain to me the “consistency” of being pro-life and pro-death penalty (when does life cease to have potential-but I will save that for another day).

Seems our political climate can be summed up in the following topics: the war, immigration, taxes, stem-cell research, health care, abortion, social security, line-item veto, energy, marriage and the death penalty. This list seems too small to encompass the values of an entire country. I wonder how many people truly understand the “issues”. I suspect many vote instead for the charismatic or the “popular”. I am more challenged than ever to explore where I stand on these questions. I need to ask myself more relevant questions such as what effects Presidential decisions will have on my life as well as upon the lives of the American community. I am energized to deliberately become more informed and to choose a Presidential candidate based on, not only my “gut” (or an on-line survey) but rational examination and discourse.

This I know for sure…

Blessed Are the Peacemakers

I find it interesting that whenever I am facing life situations, God finds a way to speak to me. Oh, I have never audibly heard the voice of God (though I think that would be so cool), but He does speak to me through His Word, other Christians, or any other means, which might get my attention. Frequently he speaks with a soft whisper as to direct or redirect my path, but at other times he practically yells in my ear so that I don’t “crash and burn”. Today was one of the latter days.

In my younger years, I was not afraid of confrontation (if needed), or conflict. In fact, if I felt strongly about something or felt an ideal was being defaced I could swing into action without much consideration for the outcome. As a result, I found myself in many uncomfortable situations causing a fair amount of uneasiness. I fought many “battles” and unearthed more than my share of “hills to die on”. As I have “matured” (I hope no one just choked), one skill I have consciously tried to improve is that of discernment. As a result, I don’t choose to die on every hill and my battles are fewer and further between, but unfortunately these strides have not been enough to create in me the heart of a peacemaker.

Some folks are natural peacemakers. Life is always so calm around them. No matter what conflict arises, they can find a way to create a sense of peace in those involved, even through “battle”. They see beyond the discord and can get to the root of the conflict to find resolution. Their recompense is that conflict doesn’t invade their life as much. How do they do that?

Lately, in various avenues of my life, several of my core ideals have been challenged thus causing a tremendous amount of internal conflict. Some of these challenges have to do with work, some with the church, and some with businesses. I have sat down at my computer and written more than a few emails to address each of these potential “battles”, only to trash them before sending. I have dialed numbers, and even talked out the situations with friends, only to—do nothing. When I did finally decide to stage “battle” and “choose a hill to die on”, there was no resolution, no satisfaction, no solution and definitely no peace. This wasn’t because I didn’t face the problem in a noble manner, but because when things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to I chose continued conflict over peaceful resolution.

Today’s Purpose Driven Devotional was about peacemaking – this is the God screaming in my ear part.
“No matter where you go, you are a peacemaker – showing others how to make peace with God. As a peacemaker, you also begin the process of peace between you and those who stand against you (going as far as you possibly can under God’s leadership). And you help others make peace with each other.”
Peace truly isn’t found in the absence of conflict, but in the reconciliation of it. Peace isn’t accomplished by allowing others to walk all over you or in minimizing important issues which need to be addressed. Peace is found when you truly care about resolution more than conflict and when you place your energy in a loving manner behind finding solutions over remaining in conflict.

So what does this mean to me today?
• Stop complaining – if I am not committed to resolution, then I should keep my mouth shut
• Start seeking ways to thoughtfully analyze the conflict with resolution in mind
• Start seeing the “battle” from the eye of others involved
• Choose battles that are worthy my fight—let others go knowing either someone else will take them on or they aren’t worth the effort.
• Decide if my action or inaction with affect my life one way or another in the next three years, if not, LET IT GO (this one should save much heartache).
• Realize that all the above actions impact my life as well as those of my children, meaning everything is not thrown out simply because it happens to my kids (mamma bear needs to stay in the den sometimes)

This I know for sure...

The Earring Incident

I wrote a real blog today, but forgot to forward it to my home email. When I arrived home, I decided to sit down and send an imperative email to a colleague, who I admire, concerning a misunderstanding. Anyway, as I hit the send button I reached up to take off my earrings. I thought they felt odd and a bit out of proportion. As I looked in my hands, I started to giggle; I had worn two different earrings all day. Now, that wouldn’t be a big deal except that apart from their shape they couldn’t be more different. One is TWICE the size of the other. One is laced with sparkley, diamondy stones the other very plain. How cold NO ONE notice all day?????? Not even me…. Guess my accessories aren't as important as the one on the girl in the painting.

This I know for sure...

Crazy, Sexy Grief

I watched Oprah today. Didn’t know if I could or would considering the topic, but I did anyway. The first story was about a young woman, Kris Car, with stage-four cancer and her documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer. The second story centered on a young professor with terminal pancreatic cancer.

As I listened to each and their amazing outlook, I couldn’t help but connect it to my own journey (yes, Marc it is all about me). Anyway, Ms Car mentioned that “Cancer is my guru, my teacher”. WOW! how powerful. I can say the same for grief—grief has been my guru, my teacher the past two years. I have learned that any life-state one chooses to remain in, whether grief, seclusion, bitterness, or abuse will eventually terminate ones ability to truly live.

I watched these two incredible people—I cried and I laughed, but what I found myself doing most is evaluating my life. Kris explained that “Life is a terminal condition”, “we are all going to die, but how many of us truly live?” I want to truly live. Not a meaningless existence, but a profound one—not a cautious survival, but a courageous continuation. Superficially, the show inspired me to run out to the nearest Walmart and purchase a juicer then, faster than the speed of light, sign up for yoga at the YMCA, but realistically—I am inspired to take stock. Even considering everything I have learned thus far on my journey, there is so much more yet to learn. I want to be able to embrace my CRAZY, SEXY, GRIEF.

This I know for sure

Why Did I Get Married?

A friend and I went to this new Tyler Perry movie last night. It is a story centering around four couples and their annual vacation together where they explore the question “Why did I get married?” If you want more details, you can read a synopsis:
Why Did I Get Married?
Anyway, it was a great movie-no language or sex, just pure movie fun—with a tremendous message. It made me realize what an excellent marriage I had. I also recognized that creating a strong marriage was, at times, hard work. Watching these couples struggle through insignificant to major problems reminded me how completely I was loved and was then able to love in return.

I got married when I as 19 years old, by one week. My parents wouldn’t allow me to marry at 18, so I waited a week after my 19th birthday to honor their wishes. What did I know when I was 18? How did I know that this man, seemingly so very different from me, was “the one”? Chances are, I didn’t really know; but, he was---“the one”. When Don and I got married, we registered for china and stoneware. One of the options, apart from traditional place settings, was to purchase a "completer set" which included serving pieces and various other miscellaneous dishes. Don used to get a big grin on his face and say that we must be each other's "completer set". How true that was.

Why did I get married? I don't know the exact answer to that question. I was in love, that's for sure. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person, but doesn't everyone? One reason I was so sure may have been because I knew how fulfilling marriage could be. My parents had shown that marriage was something to cherish.

Fortunately, I had an exceptional example of successful marriage from my parents. Mom and Dad weren’t afraid to argue in front of us (notice I didn’t say fight), they also weren’t afraid to apologize and make-up in front of us. I remember fondly the many times they were affectionate (and still are) and observed as they worked through very difficult times together. I hope my children remember that from my marriage. I hope they see that marriage is the most rewarding and fulfilling union one can experience and that along with great effort, comes immense joy.

I wouldn’t give up my 24 years of marriage for anything in the whole world. I don’t regret, and never have, getting married so young. Looking back, I am grateful for every year—every heartache---every moment of joy. So what does all of this mean to me today?

I liked being married, and I was good at it (I know my widow friends are getting tired of hearing that). I don’t mind confessing this out loud. I have the hope that I can experience the fulfillment of that sort of union again. At my age, I explore the idea of remarriage with open eyes. I don’t have a romanticized view of marriage, nor a stringent practical one. I am not looking for a prince on a white horse to ride in to sweep me off my feet. I don't need that at this point in my life (ok--so I never really needed that to begin with). What I am looking forward to is sharing life with someone—a companion—a friend and a lover.

This I know for sure.

Organized? Me?

I have decided to organize my life. I have lived in various stages of disorganization for far too long, it is time for action. As Dr. Phil says, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge” so concede I will---

Hello, my name is Marsha, and I am disorganized. On the surface my house looks fine. You could stop by my house and I would let you in the door. It is put together, relatively clean, vacuumed, dusted etc… - - BUT don’t open ANY cabinet or closet doors. I have created a 12-step program to address my weakness (I am, in NO way, poking fun at the 12-step program, which has helped many people overcome addictions. It is simply being used as a vehicle to make my point). Feel free to join me, if need be.

1. I admit I am powerless over hidden clutter - that my life has become somewhat unmanageable.

2. I have come to believe that a power (or cleaning specialist) greater than myself (or at least equal to) could restore me to sanity but isn’t likely to happen quickly enough.

3. I have made a decision to turn my will and my clutter over to the care of organization professionals, as I know them (which I don’t—know any that is).

4. Make a searching and fearless inventory of my organizationally challenged behavior and myself.

5. Admit to God, to myself and to other human beings the exact nature of my clutter.

6. Am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character (oh and there are a few not listed that I could get rid of also).

7. Humbly asked Him to remove my shortcomings and to send help soon (I feel so much better now). Does God do this kind of work?

8. Make a list of all persons who should be doing their part in the household, and become willing to make them accountable.

9. Make direct expectations to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others (like the wrath of mom wouldn’t be scary enough).

10. Continue to take personal inventory and when I am considering saving something, or stashing something admit it (may not put it where it goes, but I will admit it didn’t belong there).

11. Seek, through thought and constant reading, to improve my conscious contact with organizational gurus as I understood them, praying only for a measure of their knowledge and the power to carry it out.

12. Having had an organizational awakening as the result of these steps, I try to carry this message to the unorganized and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! The first meeting of Disorganized Anonymous will meet at my house this weekend. Please bring cleaning supplies, organizational materials and enough caffeine to keep everyone moving. We can tackle my house first (brilliant idea).

This I know for sure…. (I wonder how many I should plan for?)

My Banner is Clear

I have thought about life and death more in the past two years than probably anyone should. I even find myself imagining what I want engraved on my cemetery marker. I know that might sound morbid, but it really isn’t. It is simply reflective.

After much consideration I now know what I hope to have inscribed: “Her Banner Was Clear”, fashioned after the following inspirational note found in the office of a young African pastor who was martyred for his faith. If this quotation is to be mine at the end of my life—I have a lot of spiritual work to do. I better get busy. There are certain parts of the writing I find especially significant in my life. I have noted them in bold print.

My Banner is Clear
I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have Holy Spirit power, my die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I'm a disciple of Jesus. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and labor by power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable, and my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, preached up for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me-my banner will be clear.

This I KNOW for sure…

Expectations and Reality

What is our responsibility to others? What happens when our expectations of others NEVER matches the reality of the situation? When do we excuse others insensitive behavior simply because “that’s the way they are wired”? Personally, I am tired of making concession, but of course I will continue to do so—why??? Because in return, I hope they are making concessions for my own inadequacies.
Plain and simple…
Short and (bitter)sweet…

This I know for sure…

A Letter at Two Years

My friend Tanja recently wrote a letter to her husband on her blog-I found such solace in reading it that I decided to steal the idea to commemorate the two year mark since my husband’s passing. Please indulge me this one time:

Don,
Today marks two years since I last kissed you, hugged you or told you I loved you. I am terribly grateful that I was able to do that one last time. I am thankful that our relationship allowed for constant affirmation of love. You have been missed so much these past two years, yet your legacy has remain a constant reminder of your life and what it stood for.

You wouldn’t recognize the boys at this point. Our oldest son is in college and thriving. He has a lovely girlfriend and I find that he loves her as he saw you love me. There is adoration and pride whenever he speaks of her and they seem to be the very best of friends. He reflects so much of your spirit. He has taken the responsibility of “head of the house” yet still allowed himself the luxury of being a young man. He has bought a new car—which I find to be quite ugly, but is his pride and joy. We tease him that his new car is a toaster on wheels and that parking it in the garage is a problem because when the “Pop Tarts” pop from the top, they will hit the roof of the garage. You would not have liked the vehicle either, but would have understood his feelings toward the car because you felt the same way about that ’79 Camero (which, by the way, was MUCH cooler). He plays your Martin guitar often even though he doesn’t play with ‘the band’ anymore. He loves that guitar and takes special care of it. You would be proud.

Our youngest has had trouble adjusting to middle school. We have been racking our brains trying to figure it all out. I especially wish you were here to deal with the issues at school, so that I could continue my professional relationship there. You had the ability to make the rigid more open-minded and boy are we dealing with "rigid" right now. I would like to blame his non-conformity to the time of year or his aversion to adjusting to new situations, but I know what you would say. You would say, “Marsha, he is YOU---duh---this middle school stuff is not “fun” enough for him. Just relax, he will come around and hopefully school won’t ruin him” and of course, you would be right. He has become very sensitive to the spiritual aspects of his life. You would be proud of how he responds in church when he is moved. We sang together in church last month and it was a moment of great pride. He has an amazing voice and I think will discover this to be a talent to cultivate. In band, he is playing the drums, following in his brother’s footsteps. He still views life as “glass half-full” and remains true to his word no matter what.

Chelsie misses you. She did from the beginning. Even the vet told us that she was in mourning. We attempted to make her feel better by getting her a doggy companion who, in turn, bit Riley and….well---ended up in a new home. I don’t think Chelsie minded too much. She enjoys being “top dog”.

We moved to a new home not long after you left us. We live in the community we talked about moving to for years. My only real regret is that you didn’t get to live here. You would have loved the walking paths and the sporting opportunities so close to the house. We are enjoying riding our bicycles and walking to the baseball field. The house is a two-story structure which wouldn’t have thrilled you, but you would have liked the neighbors, as they are friends we have known for years. The ping-pong table is set up downstairs, but doesn’t get used as often as it should. We do think of you each time we play.

We are thankful of our memories, and strive to live for today and have hope for a future. The love legacy you left has allowed us to continue to grow through our grief. We miss you, but cherish the many wonderful memories that have allowed us to speak of you often in a loving manner. Your life has allowed us to continue ours. I get emails from Erica every once in a while. They always make me smile as she reminisces snapshots of memories from IP. Your mother is still a major part of our lives. We don’t get to see her as much as we would like, but that is because of our busy schedules. I know she misses you and your dad, but has become quite independent. She has even met some widow friends of her own. You would be proud of her, just as we are. She is a great source of comfort to the boys and to me.

Though there have been some disappointments in the male-role-model department and some promises that haven’t been fully fulfilled, I believe the boys have found their way. I have had to be enough at times and our oldest has assumed some responsibility. This is not a bad thing. It has made us all more self-sufficient.

We still laugh a lot, play games, root for the Cardinals and the Illini, watch old movies and allow music to continue to define our lives. We think and speak of you daily—always in the most fond and loving manner. We have hope for a future that will be filled with continued love and peace. More than anything, we acknowledge that God has been faithful. He has heard our cries for solace and answered—not always as we expected, but always fully and completely. So on this, our sadiversary, we honor you and the special place you reside in our hearts.

With Eternal Love,
Marsha

Reflections

The Don Cuttill Memorial Golf Tournament was held this weekend. I don’t know what I expected it to be or how I expected to feel or what the emotions leading up to it meant, but it was a beautiful and memorable day. Don’s mother, brother, sister-in-law, and niece were able to attend. David, Don’s younger brother, played on a team with my oldest son and my youngest son, father, brother and nephew also were among the participants (over 40 in all). When I watched the teams drive down the cart path after the first tee, I found it difficult to contain my tears. Later, upon reflection, I was able to grasp and fully understand what I was feeling.

These tears were different. They weren’t for loss, but for the way a legacy can continue long after the temporal. True legacy embraces the past as well as invites the future. Players in this tournament integrated family (those who knew and loved Don the most), friends (golfing buddies and church connections) and then those who never even knew Don, but whom his life and death have touched in some way over the past two years. I found that we were NOT commemorating a memory, but honoring how heritage affects the present. Don was not a memory on Saturday. He ordained the day. He was alive in each one of us. Perhaps in different forms, but he couldn’t have been more “amongst us” if he had been there in the flesh.

For the amount of unrest I have had the past week amid some difficult transitions, this weekend provided the respite my soul longed for. I was energized seeing all the folks at the golf outing and then at the pig roast. I was thrilled that we doubled the amount raised to help those less fortunate in our community. I was humbled by the love. Those who missed the event missed the blessing that this special day brought to so many--and that is too bad. However, I have no doubt that those fortunate enough to have experienced life with Don Cuttill Jr. have been blessed beyond measure. That will never change.

This I know for sure…

Transitions!

Transitions are words I try to get my middle school writers to use correctly and appropriately within their writing. I hate the standard transition most 11-year-olds have been taught to use: first, next, and in conclusion. They don’t seem to give the transition the honor it deserves. In spite of their previous training, we are working on using more complex transitions to better justify our writing. This got me thinking about life and our life transitions. These pivotal points in life often take days, months or even years. When we go through life transitions they are far more memorable than a few words can justify.

My youngest son started middle school this year. It has NOT been an easy transition for him (or for me). He has always encompassed the term “free spirit”, but not in an obnoxious way—in a silly kind of whimsical-way. He is a “glass half full” kid and even with his difficulties at school and the obvious frustration of his mother, he still manages a smile and a big wave when I encounter him in the hallway at school. When talking about C, my husband and I used to always say, “I sure hope school doesn’t ruin him.” Here I am an educator and worried that some teacher will crush his spirit. I don’t think it is possible. He won’t allow it. He will be happy no matter what. WOW---I hope that is genetic.

The transitions in my life recently have been multifaceted. They seem to be personal, professional and spiritual in nature. Teaching at the same school, in the same grade as my child has been a huge transition. It is difficult to separate the “mommy” hat from the “educator” one especially with a child who seems to be struggling a bit. I have found myself biting my tongue, not only where my son is concern, but where my colleagues are concerned as well. Transitioning into the role of single parent has been a bit rockier. This is one I have made “kicking and screaming”. I don’t like it—and there is nothing more I can say. I imagine this transition will be one I am continuously making

My oldest son is transitioning into adulthood. Having graduated from high school and starting college, he has so many life lessons ahead of him. He wears the hat of “head of household” a bit reluctantly and I often lean more heavily on him than perhaps I should. Yet, he rises to the occasion. He takes care of household tasks without my prompting—not the ones he is assigned to of course, but other ones, like calling the internet company to come change and replace the wiring to our house or organizing his dad’s tools in the garage (at 3:00 in the morning). Nevertheless, I am watching him transform in front of my eyes into an adult any parent would be proud of.

As a family, transitioning since Don died has been most difficult. We have all had to find new roles and paths to travel. I hope this transition will become a bridge to what lies ahead for each of us instead of an excuse to stagnate where we reside. The only thing constant is change. Transitioning is inevitable if you have the desire to continue to grow and live.

This I Know For Sure…

When Life Becomes Surreal???

Sometimes I look at my life like it really isn’t my own—like I am looking at a painting created by someone else. Who finds the love of their life at 18 and then loses him to death and has a chance again via technology to experience love again? Please allow me explain…

I met and fell in love with my husband when I was 17. We had 24 years as husband and wife and I treasure each and every one of them. Then, my worst nightmare became a reality when he passed away in 2005. We had talked many times about the life we wanted for the other if death were to visit. Thank goodness we had those discussions. They went something like this; “I want you to move on, to be happy and make solid decisions for your future and that of the children---more than anything—love and live again.” We would follow such discussions with “isn’t this talk silly—it isn’t going to happen to us”, but it did. I watched the past two years as if my life were some Lifetime movie.

I am looking at my two year “sadiversary” since Don’s death. A golf tournament, created in his memory, is next weekend. It is a great honor and I look forward to the memories. YET, here I am—so very fortunate to be given a second chance at love in this life, but afraid somehow?

I met a wonderful widower who seems to be a perfect “fit” for me as a 46 year old woman. We have many of the same interests and “loves”—he sings, which has always been something I love, he travels, which has been my dream, he is outgoing; which is what I need in a companion at my age, he is an amazing Christian man and my family adores him, but most of all he seems to love me. Though I still look at my life as if it were some movie—widow finds widower who understands and loves completely—I am afraid to claim it??? Hmmmmmm….why is that????

I find myself once more viewing my life as if it were not my own and I wonder “what is my problem”??? Sometimes I feel as if my life is some kind of crazy reality show---but it isn’t---It is my life—it is the sum of choices that I have made to move forward and it is who I am today. SO—I am consciously moving forward. I am exploring what “chapter two” has for me. I honor the memory of my love with Don and am thankful to what the past has enabled me to bring to a new relationship.

Surreal may be where I began, but “real” is where I have landed. I choose to move forward—to find a new beginning for myself and for my children—I choose to LIVE. I choose K—I hope he chooses me…..there---it is now documented…

This I know for----yes, SURE…

Pop Culture Defines Our Lives!!

I just finished watching the Saturday Night Live in the 80’s special on ABC. WOW—my life can be defined through a television program!! I graduated high school in 1980 and was married in 1981. I graduated college in 1984 and began teaching the same year. My first child was born in 1989. The milestones of my life can be easily measured by Saturday Night Life episodes in the 1980’s.

Saturday Night Live was one of Don’s favorite television programs. I found myself watching this special tonight laughing and crying at the same time. From Buckwheat to Hans and Frans to the Church Lady to the Blues Brothers, I can actually gage my life by SNL. Pop culture has a whole new meaning for me---I know what I was watching on television the night my children were born (Cardinal’s game for one and Illini game for the other—wonder who was watching??). I also know what I was watching the night my husband died (Jennifer Gardner in Alias).

I also connect popular songs with various events of my life. I know when I met Don the Doobie Brothers and Billy Joel defined our love. When my oldest son was born I can gage the time by Chicago (“Look Away”) and Janet Jackson (“Miss You Much”). When my youngest was born a whole new era had begun: Northern Exposure and Power Rangers muddied our television viewing and Phil Collins and Garth Brooks was in my cassette recorder.

I have always considered myself learned, educated and somewhat refined (for the mid-west anyway), but when it comes to what defines moments in my life---I find that pop culture more than any other “more sophisticated” means mark significant “life experiences”.

I am glad that I have these wonderful memories—these constant reminders of life gone by lived to its fullest….more to come…

This I know for sure…