Learning to Give It Up!

I just finished reading Give It Up! My Year of Learning to Live Better with Less by Mary Carlomagno. The book is about Mary’s journey to simplify her life and the benefits of doing so. She renounces one thing per month in order to make her life less complicated. She gives up shopping, elevators, newspapers, cell phones, dining out, television, coffee, multitasking etc… The book chronicles lessons learned as she gives up some of these life essentials. Carlomagno comes to realize what is most important to her life and the experience of giving up changes her forever.

I thought of my own life and my desire to simplify. What would I need to give up each month in order to achieve that balance? I began by brainstorming items and activities which seemed to zap my energy and time. The list included things like: internet, television, ipod and shopping. Then I made a list of things that cost money each month, but may not be all that good for me. This list included: Diet Mountain Dew, Sweets, and movies. Then I made a list of other things I might need to give up or curtail like complaining, gossiping and fiscal irresponsibility. I reviewed my list repeatedly and decided that I don’t believe I am strong enough to give up any of these things for an entire month. I am the poster child for the lack willpower

It is now July 31^st and tomorrow begins a new month. What a great opportunity to begin my quest to simplify by following the example of Ms. Carlomagno. I am beginning to get a bit excited at the prospect (I am sure this is fleeting), but here is my blueprint for the next 12 months to take stock of my life and create a more simplified existence.

August – Sweets (candy, desserts etc..)

September – Diet Mountain Dew (this might not seem like much, but I have about a six-pack a day habit)

October – Dining Out – this one will be REALLY difficult

November - Complaining (every time I complain, $1.00 will go into a jar for compassionate ministries)

December – Taking the closest parking space (I will park after the last car in the lot)

January – Fiscal irresponsibility (taking control of my assets)

February – Internet (outside of ONCE a day checking and responding to email)

March - Shopping

April – Impulse buying (I will not purchase ANYTHING over $20.00 without waiting 24 hours)

May – Television/DVR

June – Movies (going, renting or buying)

July – Ipod (yikes)

How about you? Any readers out there care to join me? Make a blueprint of your own—share it, because it will make you more accountable and then let me know how your life is affected.

I do maintain the creative license to change the monthly assignments, but the tasks will remain the same. So, I am off to eat my last piece of birthday cake as well as the package of Twizzlers sitting on my cabinet----

This I know for sure…

It's My Birthday!!!

Birthdays sure aren’t as fun as they used to be. Turning 45 is no where near as fun as turning, let’s say, 18!! When we were young, it was all about the “day”, now, we might celebrate a day early or a day late or a week late because of convenience.

Do you remember the anticipation that led up to the big day? Now-it is more a dreaded feeling of growing yet another year older. I do celebrate the fact that I do not “feel” like I am 45. I remember when my mother turned 45 and I thought that she was “really old”, I don’t feel like that “old person”. Don’t get me wrong, I still like birthdays I just wish I could conjure up the marvel and wonder of those birthdays gone by. Perhaps time skews our memory and grown-up birthdays are really more “cool” than we realize.

My favorite birthday gift this year (I hate to say that because everyone has been SO generous and I am truly grateful) is my digital picture frame. I downloaded many pictures that scroll through the frame. Whenever I go into the kitchen (where it is plugged in) I smile when I see a picture of the boys or of Kent or of my widow friends. I am blessed and though life has been less than what I would call “fair”, I still feel fortunate

On this birthday I reflect on my life as it is today. I have the love of family, friends and a very good man. I am, truly, surprised that I could be so fortunate. I also know that life can be very short and that I must claim the blessings granted to me. SO---today, July 30, 2007, I claim that I am a blessed individual—that life can, not only continue, but thrive after heartache…

This I know for sure…

TAGGED!

I have been tagged to share eight random facts about myself. This particular tag comes from my brother, Evan. I am then to tag 8 others to do the same. I read Evan’s list and got to #8---I have NO IDEA what it means, so my random facts will be on the less intelligent side.

Here are the rules:

1. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
2. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their eight random facts.
3. Players should tag eight other people and notify them they have been tagged.

Here are the random facts:

1. I am a TV junkie—I love it all, reality shows, mysteries, detective stories even a Lifetime movie or two (not a great fact for a teacher ‘cause I don’t like Discovery or any of those learnin’ channels).
2. I speed—too much. I don’t condone it for anyone else, but it is confession time.
3. I have a crush on James Spader (of Boston Legal – not sure why – he’s smart and witty I guess).
4. I despise “No Child Left Behind”. It has created an educational community more concerned with testing than with children. Someday soon we will all realize how ridiculous it is to believe EVERYONE learns EVERYTHING the exact same way in the exact same time frame. Wonder if the President will “get it” then?
5. I force myself to eat anything green because I know I should.
6. I have the attention span of a mite. I know this is a well known fact, but the game said “random” so….I included it.
7. I hate the outside of my house, but LOVE the inside.
8. I went on the Adkins Diet in high school with a friend of mine. We ate pork rinds by the bagful—seems soooo---yucky now.

So for my tag---I tag the following:

Trish, Andrea, Tanja, Pentha, Shelly, Chad, Joy and Fred

Vacation - the Summary!

I just returned from a vacation with the boys. It began in Cincinnati at the ordination of my sister-in-law, Julia. It was a beautiful ceremony that seemed to take me back to my spiritual roots and the legacy of the church I am so proud of growing up in and which continues to be such an important part of my life.

How, you ask, was I able to get two teenagers and two 11 year olds to sit through a two hour ordination? That’s easy—you bribe them with a week of amusement parks. Following the ordination my whole family met at Kings Island for the day. It was a nice time of being together. The boys and I stayed at Kings Island for another day and then, if that wasn’t enough, were off to Sandusky, Ohio to Cedar Point. Here is where the adventure began…

I “Pricelined” a hotel in Sandusky. We arrived late Sunday night and as we pulled into the parking lot I had a feeling this might not be good. Boy was I right. I checked-in anyway and headed to the room. It was a dump—and there was NO security. Anyone could get into the facility at anytime. Here I was a single mom with four kids with me and the possibility of having to stay in an insecure hotel. I immediately got a sick feeling in my stomach. I loaded everyone back into the car and started calling local hotels—with little luck. I finally got through to a Hampton Inn about 6 miles away that had a family suite available. Though VERY pricey, I decided peace of mind had NO price and we checked out of “America’s Best” and headed to a suite at the Hampton. The room was great – two king-size beds and one queen-size. I guess everything works out for the best because we were very comfortable with our lodging arrangements. I chalk this one up to one of those experiences I wish I never had to do alone, but dealt with it as I could.

Cedar Point was a blast. Each of my kids brought a friend with them on this trip, so I was the odd one out. I found that a little difficult, but didn’t let it stop me from spending time with the kids. Two days at Kings Island, two days at Cedar Point equals 38 hours of amusement park frenzy and one worn out mom who is glad to be....HOME.

This I know for sure...

"Life Sucks; Get a Helmet"

I am, by nature, optimistic. The last two years have made it more difficult to remain sanguine, but I have strived to remain hopeful. I do; however, have my moments. This quote by Dennis Leary was posted this week in a thread on an e-bulletin board that I frequent. I KNOW Dennis Leary is far from anyone’s idea of a role-model, however sometimes the profound comes from the profane. His quote simply states:

"Life sucks; get a helmet."

When I first read this quote I chuckled, but only for a moment, for I slowly began to realize that these words contain truth. We can’t change the fact that life isn’t always the way we dreamed it to be. We live in a world that brings heartache as well as joy. All of us are in need of some type of “life helmet”; something to protect our hearts and minds as we maneuver the course.

This “life helmet”, I suspect, is composed differently for everyone. Some need a helmet of pure hope or one of self-confidence. Others may need a helmet of faith or one of comfort. Most likely we wear “life helmets” that are a composite of many different protective qualities. Perhaps these helmets change, as we change or as our life situations change.

I must admit that at times I grow weary of donning the “helmet”. Occasionally I take it off thinking that I am handling things well and no longer need it; but then, unprotected, I get thumped by yet another unpleasant aspect of this life that has become mine. What happens next is that I sink into a pit of self-doubt and pity. This continues until I choose to reach down and place that dang helmet back where it belongs. It is then that I feel safe from those “life daggers” which are constantly hurled my direction. Yes, “Life sucks” (at times) and we all need to “get a helmet”.

This I know for sure…

Handling Disappointment Like a Grownup

Well, I don’t---handle disappointment like a grown-up that is. I pout, feel sorry for myself, make impulsive decisions in the midst of being upset and exhibit less than mature behaviors (attractive image isn’t it). HOWEVER, I am not sure I ever want to change. The flip-side to this character flaw is that I do tend to get over "stuff" quickly and move on, so people only have to deal with my lousy attitude for a short time. What scares me a bit is that the older I get the longer I hold onto resentment-just something else I find troubling. Don’t know why this qualifies as a legitimate blog post, but it does. Besides, seeing it in print somehow validates my attitude. So there, I will simply take my ball and--------------go home.

This I know for sure..

From the West Coast to the East!

I just returned from Boston. I had never been to the east coast and was looking forward to the trip – I was not disappointed. After arriving in Boston on Wednesday we were honored to meet two widow friends from the board. The extra treat was being able to see and tour Eric’s beautiful Colonial home located on the Atlantic Ocean. It is always amazing the instant bond that is created through our shared experiences.

Whales are truly magnificent animals! The highlight of the trip was whale watching in Stellwagen Bank National Marine Sanctuary. Even our guide could not contain her excitement with what we were able to see on our watch. She said we were lucky to have experienced so many whale behaviors in just one trip.

Top Ten Boston Style

10. Take the Freedom Trail—but I would walk one-way and ride the other.

9. East Side Grill in Plymouth---excellent seafood and great ambiance.

8. Quincy Market—downtown Boston—the hub of the city—lots of great entertainment and great food.

7. Faneuil Hall – another downtown Boston landmark that is fun.

6. Newport mansions – these are truly amazing homes—what was with this gilded age?

5. Newport sea drive – there are amazing homes and terrific harbor activities going on all the time.

4. Plimouth Plantation (yes, I spelled it correctly) – this is a MUST on the trip. Take a step back in time.

3. Plymouth Rock---a little bit under-whelming BUT, hello, it’s PLYMOUTH ROCK.

2. Lobster – here is the BEST tip for the east coast – walk, in fact RUN past any hoity-toity restaurant and proceed directly to the nearest ocean-front DIVE and order the lobster---it is an AMAZING dining experience.

1. WHALE WATCHING – it is by-far the best part of the trip.

It was a trip of a lifetime-- more pics, if you are interested

Flicker Photos

This I know for sure...

Survivors!

I get this Lou Tice inspirational email everyday--yesterday's installment had me thinking about what it means to SURVIVE! I not only want to survive--I want to thrive, but this post really spoke to me and I think it contains so much truth that I wanted to share it with all of you.

"Survivors"

When times get tough, some people fold and some are made even stronger. Did you ever wonder why some people seem to be able to handle life better than others? Everyone likes to think that they have what it takes to survive adversity and tough times, but when the chips are down, some folks definitely do better than others.

The real survivors in life (not the participants in the recent glut of "reality" survivor TV shows, that only seem to bring out the worst in human behavior) have developed personalities that allow them more options. They also have a strong and clear intention to survive, and to do it in good shape. When problems or setbacks occur, they don't waste time complaining and they don't dwell on the past or what they've lost. Instead, their energies are focused on getting things to turn out well.

Survivors believe that, no matter what happens to them, they are the ones who are in charge of their destinies. They don't get mad at the world for not treating them better, but they do have an extensive menu of behaviors they can choose from, depending on the situation. In other words, survivors are option thinkers, instead of black and white, either/or thinkers. They also have a wonderful ability to laugh at adversity because they know that even if they lose everything else, they will still have themselves.

People with survivor personalities can walk confidently into the unknown because they expect to find a way to make things work out. So, if you want to be a true survivor, try focusing your attention less on safety and security and more on developing positive beliefs and expectations.

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute
www.thepacificinstitute.com

This I know for sure...

Life Lessons from Little League!

I had begun drafting a new blog entry entitled “Why I Hate Little League” when the events of the last few days caused me to pause and re-think my position. The original post summarized my feelings about my youngest sons little league experience this summer. He has been in, for lack of a better word, a batting slump since about the second game of the season. It has been discouraging for him, but he has never given up and has been at every game with an amazingly positive attitude. I, on the other hand, sit on the sidelines frustrated—upset at the coach for his lack of guidance and encouragement—upset with our circumstances because Chandler doesn’t have a father at home to help him with his game and just down-right ticked off at the fact that if Chandler doesn’t get to play much, how the heck is he supposed to improve? My oldest assures me this is exactly why “mommies should stay out of baseball—they just don’t get it”.

This past week my youngest son played in a baseball tournament. He only played 3 or 4 innings the entire week. I could tell he was down on himself before Friday’s game. Once he arrived at the game he showed true panache and cheered his team on. The team played well and ended up playing in the consolation game for third place. When the team began to win—my son’s lack of confidence seemed to fade as he placed all of his energy into cheering on his teammates. Though I was fuming on the sidelines at the injustice of the whole situation, I noticed his confidence actually increasing and he wasn’t even playing. How could that be? His attitude is a prime example that, for some reason, for boys—it is all about winning---to moms---it is about making sure our kids have a sense of self-worth. But what mommies don’t seem to get is that boys don’t obtain their self-esteem through being coddled or being “put in” just because—they get an amazing about of confidence simply being a part of a team.

Fast forward to Tuesday night’s game—two team members were unable to attend the game so Chandler was put in from the beginning of the game. When it came time for his first at bat---he straddled the plate with more confidence than I had seen in a long time. At the crack of his bat he hit a single RBI—the crowd roared—his teammates cheered as he ran to first base. He went three for four that evening and the coach awarded him the “game ball”. He was beaming with pride. On the ride home he called his grandparents, his uncle and my best friend’s husband to share his victory. Who knows if he will ever make another hit again this season, but he had his time in the spotlight; his moment of glory and the opportunity to feel a great sense of accomplishment that comes from truly doing a good job and being acknowledged for it.

I often learn from my children. They are not only a constant source of blessing, but also a basis of strength along the way. When I am in situations where I have a tendency to become frustrated, even discouraged, I need to remember the following lessons I have learned from my son this day:

• Attitude is a big part of being content where you are.
• Cheering on others can be as rewarding as succeeding yourself.
• Patience and persistence are the qualities to overcome a "slump".
• Sharing accomplishment with those you love simply makes the victory sweeter.
• Mommies can "get it"--- given time and swift kick in the "life lesson" pants.
  

This I know for sure.

It's the Journey That Matters in the End

I just returned from the funeral of a young man I have known since he was small, but had lost touch with the past few years. I, once again, put on that all too familiar “cloak of grief”, sucked it up and attended the service. Heartbroken, I observed his mother, knowing that her life will never be the same again. The family is strong and has a fervent faith, yet I recognized the questioning look on their faces--that need to know “why”, but also acknowledging that there would be no answer in this life.

Driving home, I began to reflect on my journey of almost two years. Working through grief is not linear, but is bumpy with many steps forward and a few steps back. Having been thrust into a life situation beyond my control, I have no idea where I would have been without my faith. The spiritual aspect of my life has never been about an “afterlife” or the promise of eternal life, but about the ability to find strength greater than my own to live each day with peace. For me, my faith affords me the ability to live this life with the contentment and hope a spiritual connection brings. Having this frame of mind has given me the courage to face grief head on, to work through the hard parts and struggle with each uncertainty. I have not put off the inevitable, nor have I run away from the sorrow. My faith seems to have translated into a more peaceful existence with what this world has brought my way.

I have found continued solace from my widow friends and the on-line support of the bulletin board. These folks represent a diversity of grief experiences. Some of them have been able to find contentment in their circumstance-may have even moved on and found new love. Some, after many years, still have yet to find a place of solace whether it involves another or not; but each has touched my life in significant ways. As for me, I am amazed at the capability that God has given us to love—amazed at the fact that we have big enough hearts to be assured that if we loved well once---we more than likely will again.

Where do I go from here? I have this sense of obligation to share what I have learned along the way with those who may be facing the darkest moment of their life. This is as much a part of my healing as anything else. So, selfish as it sounds---I NEED to, in some way, believe that my journey has not been in vane - that the pain has a purpose - that I have touched someone else and that it all means something in the end.

"It's the journey that matters in the end."

This I know for sure…

San Francisco Musings

San Francisco was a blast. What a beautiful, alive city! I don’t think I missed much. The Golden Gate Bridge was much more magnificent in real life. Lombard Street was a TRIP! Chinatown was alive and hopping even late into the night. Fisherman’s Warf provided the best seafood I have ever eaten in my life amid an ambience that only San Francisco can offer.

So here is my top 10 San Francisco-style:

1. The Golden Gate Bridge - nothing more to add
   
2. Napa Valley – esp. the Berringer and Sterling Wineries
3. Lombard Street – glad I wasn’t the one driving.
4. City Lights Bookstore – it was like stepping back in time
5. Winery Tour at Sterling Vineyard– producing and distributing of wine is fascinating
6. Ghirardelli Square – who can say no to chocolate
7. Fisherman’s Warf Part I – this is a cultural experience like no other.
8. Napping in a park next to the Bay
9. Fisherman’s Warf Part II – the absolute best Dungeness crab I have ever eaten.
10. Culinary Institute of America – this was, by far, the best dining experience. The food was amazing and watching the culinary experts prepare the food was captivating.

If you are interested here are some photos from the trip: http://www.flickr.com/photos/9319310@N05/

Take Offs and Landings!

I just returned from a wonderful holiday in San Francisco. I had never been there before and fell in love with the magical city immediately. Flying is NOT one of my preferred methods of transportation. However driving to California from Illinois was not an option and I am stubborn enough to not let a little fear keep me from enjoying life. I especially hate take-offs. It is the moment of adrenaline induced stress that doesn’t subside until we are in the air and flying safely. When taking off from the Bloomington airport I couldn’t help but make the connection to how my life has been the past two years. There have been too many “take-offs”—a time of high anxiety because I am unsure of what the future holds. Not unlike my flying experience, I feel anxious until I am securely comfortable with the “new normal” of the moment.

Landings are another story. I love landing. I like to hear the sound of the landing gear hitting the run way and the jerk of the breaks as the plane slows to a stop, safe and sound. In life I anticipate landings, but have had only a few lately. My life “landings” would incorporate the completion of buying and selling a house, becoming comfortable doing “couple things” by myself, remaining poised through Chad’s graduation and finishing my second master’s degree.

For the most part, I feel I am in mid-air flight. I have taken off safely (and proud of that), but I haven’t had many life “landings”. I look forward to those times when I am safety through what life has thrown in my direction and can reflect with integrity and honor.

This I know for sure...

A Father's Day Surprise

Sitting in the pew on Father’s Day took as much courage as I had left. My initial intention was to stay home, even run away for the day, but I wanted to pay tribute to my own father. During the service, fathers were honored reminding me of what we have lost in earthly terms. As our pastor began his message “What Makes a Man a Great Father?” my state of mind changed from one of sorrow and self-pity to one of gratefulness beyond reason. I was thankful, for I realized that my children and I were blessed to have had a father which met the requirements mentioned in the sermon:

A great father…

…has a relationship with God.

…is willing to obey God.

…directs their family in the way of the Lord.

…has a wise and giving spirit.

…lives in the presence of God’s blessing.

Abraham was referenced as a great example of a Godly father. Pastor Crump explained that though Abraham was a servant, he never was able to actually see all that God had promised him. Some of those blessings came after his death, just as Don’s. Don may not have been on earth to see his son donned with the title of “Prom King”: he may not have been able to see (in temporal terms) his son graduate from high school or hit his first homerun in little league; however, Don’s legacy, just like Abraham’s, will continue to live on through his children.

So I willingly celebrate Father’s Day. I honor my own father for being the Godly beacon to my brothers and me, but I also honor the father of my children for the lasting heritage of love he left for the boys to grasp and claim as their own living legacy. Though Don is not present in the earthly sense, he lives on in the lives of those he touched.

This I know for sure….

Divine Providence Via Earthly Forms

In the front yard of the house my husband and I called home for 10 years, sat the most magnificent birch tree you have ever seen. If you know anything about birch trees, you should know that they are a bit finicky, not terribly sturdy, but absolutely breathtaking when in full foliage. They are notable for their distinctive white-bark characteristic and easily identifiable. These trees normally have a short life (in tree years) lasting 15 to 20 years at best. This tree was planted by the original owners of the home and was well past its 15 year life span when we bought the house.

This special tree was one of the reasons we fell in love with the house in the first place. Many of our fondest family memories were photographed in front of this tree. The first day of school, homecoming, prom, school dances, birthdays, and visits by relatives were often chronicled with the birch tree background. Don took tremendous care of the tree pruning it when necessary and supplying the tender loving care such a special tree required.

After selling the house, the new owners apparently had an aversion to anything arborous. All of the grand trees landscaping the yard were relentlessly cut down, including the special birch tree in the front yard. It was heartbreaking to drive by the property and see it stripped of its distinctive backdrop. To be honest I have, most likely, driven by the house for the last time.

Before I continue this story I need to let it be known that I am a believer in divine providence; that Godly intervention does exist in our lives and when it is so blatantly presented to us we should claim it. I am claiming that the God who made me is also present in my everyday life; constantly providing courage and solace via earthly forms. Here is just such an example.

Tonight at my youngest son’s baseball game, I met the previous owners of our new home purchased after Don’s death. We introduced ourselves and began discussing the many life decisions which led to them to selling the house to me, then moving to Canada and now moving back to our small town. I narrated the story of how we came to buy the home from him. I complemented the beautiful landscaping of the yard and how it was a real selling point to us. I also explained the difficulty I experienced driving by our old home without the birch tree and the significance of the tree in our lives. My eldest son was present and mentioned the fact that his favorite part of our new home was the weeping willow tree in the backyard.

I noticed the gentleman getting a bit of a tear in his eye as he paused a moment and then explained, “I have to tell you the story of that weeping willow tree. I just realized that it may very well be the replacement tree for the one you lost.”

As he began his story I sensed that this was a difficult issue for him to discuss, yet he had an urgency to do so. It seems this man and his wife lost a child before they moved to the house I am currently living in. They planted a weeping willow tree in their yard as a remembrance. When they moved they carefully uprooted the tree and replanted it into what is now my backyard. With emotion the man said that he now believes that the weeping willow tree was a replacement for the birch tree we no longer could even visit.

I am constantly amazed at the providence of God—the way he holds us and endlessly provides us with avenues in which healing is possible. The boys and I have always acknowledged that this tree in our backyard was special. We had an impression of its importance in our lives long before we had this man’s story as an assurance. Since we have moved into this house the beautiful weeping willow tree has become the new photo backdrop which chronicles our lives. It will stand as a memorial of the past, as well as a symbol of hope the future will bring.

This I know for sure.

Milestones, Memories, Aging and Peace

I realize my age will be showing with this post, but I have lived these 44 years and am not sure I want to be any other age, so I don’t really mind. Bare with me here:

Flashback to 1980:
I was graduating from high school, ready to leave for college, in love and into music. The Doobie Brothers was my band of choice and specifically the album “Minute by Minute”. Michael McDonald was the lead singer with an undeniably original voice and when he would bang those piano keys he stole my heart. I probably played that album over and over and over until the grooves wore out.

Flash forward to June 2007:
I received a call from a good friend on Friday telling me he had tickets to a semi-private concert given in Missouri by Michael McDonald. Seems he had extra tickets and wanted to know if I wanted to go. Are you kidding? I couldn’t pass up this chance to see and perhaps meet my musical idol. I made arrangements for the kids and was off. A fabulous black tie reception kicked off the evening. Upon entering the small auditorium, my heart actually began to race like some capricious teenager. Michael was introduced and as he strolled across the stage I thought - WAIT—who is that though somewhat sexy---old, overweight guy? For a split second I must have had a very perplexed look on my face, but when the music began my heart melted. I immediately recognized that familiar Michael McDonald style and was caught up in it for the next two hours. The reality is that we all age, but our inner spirit and gifts remain the same.

He began the concert with a song I had never heard—yes, it surprised me that there was actually a Michael McDonald song I hadn’t heard. Apparently he has a Christmas album and recorded on it is a song entitled “Peace”. He opens his concert with this song as a prayer for our country. Here is the chorus—such beautiful prose.

Love won't compromise
It's a gift, it's a sacrifice
My soul renewed, and my heart released
In you I'll find my peace

It is amazing how music marks milestone and memories within our lives. My life is especially this way. I loved the television show “Ally McBeal” because when Ally faced different life situations or different people within her life she would hear a theme song. I find I can chronicle my life in a similar fashion. When I think of past memories specific songs come to mind and I hear them in my head, or when I hear certain songs they immediately bring back reminiscences. Music has the amazing ability to mark our life, to bridge the past to the present and to create within us memories to hold close to our hearts.

This I know for sure.

Recouperating, Television and Contentment

For the last three weeks I have been recuperating from surgery which means I have watched way too much television. What have I learned? I have discovered that if you watch more than 12 episodes of “What NOT to Wear” you don’t become more stylish---you become more critical. I have also watched so many installments of “Flip This House” that I am actually thinking I can do this myself—stop laughing. Of course I would need the help of my brother-in-law and the financial backing of Donald Trump. Another skill I have acquired is that I could tell you just what to do to get your house ready to sell. Are you aware of the number of shows on television dealing with this topic? I actually got more decorating tips watching these programs than I did watching decorating-themed shows.

This extensive television therapy has made me realize that we, as Americans, seem to be obsessed with making things “better” – our bodies, our stuff, our kids, our relationships. This is a good thing—to a point. But when do we choose to be content with what we have, who we are and what we may become? When do we, as Paul, find contentment no matter what: “…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” (Philippians 4:11) Perhaps learning the meaning of contentment is what our journey here on earth is all about. I hope I am striving in the right direction. I long to embrace happiness and become content with not only who I am at this point, but with what I now possess and in the eternal plan for the future.

This I know for sure…

Why I Write

I have begun to depend on writing. Not only to release emotion, but to work through the “issues” of life. I am changing my career to cater to this “writing addiction”. I will be teaching writing all day long starting August 2007. Yes, it will be educating middle school children, but I really am passionate about the power of writing and couldn’t be more excited to influence young people to write. Please bear with me as I, once again, quote Henri Nouwen:

“Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deeper stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living, and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write.

Quite often a difficult, painful, or frustrating day can be "redeemed" by writing about it. By writing we can claim what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too.”

Wish I had some words of my own to express my obsession with writing, but Nouwen’s words simply express it much better than I could ever imagine. Life makes much more sense when put into words.

When I look back to my writings at the beginning of my grief journey, it is so apparent that my feelings were raw and uncontrolled. It is through writing that I am made aware of growth I have experienced. Without this narrative, I would be inclined to forget—to put aside those initial feelings as being to difficult to comprehend. Since they are documented I can actually realize that I have continued to grow and learn through my journey.

Writing is powerful. I challenge each of you to keep a printed record of your life journey.

This I know for sure.

Graduation, Parties, Weddings, Musings and Other Things…

This weekend my son graduated from high school. I attended this event held in our small town high school gymnasium with conflicting emotions. I am proud that my son is graduating and embarking in a new chapter of his life, but a bit sad at how quickly time has passed. The ceremony itself was the shortest graduation I have ever been to—45 minutes! These were the kids Chad had grown up with for the last 10 years and terrrific examples of bright young people who will lead our country in the future.

Saturday was Chad's graduation party. We planned the party with him in mind, yet we wanted to make it special for our guests. I was fortunate to have the mother of my son’s closest friend offer to assist me with the planning and accomplishing such a task. Her gift was to not only make some of the wonderful sweets offered to our guest, but to also be there “behind the scenes” at the actual party so that Chad and I could enjoy our guest. I can’t find the words to tell you what an amazing gift this was to us. I will always treasure the fact that I was able to relax and appreciate these folks who came to honor my son's accomplishments.

When I looked around the room I was astonished at the cross section of people represented. This cross-section could characterize the way our lives have woven within the fabric of others. Family was represented, both my family as well as Don’s. Friends were represented, including Chad’s and mine. Young and older individuals mingled as they often do in life. Some in attendance knew us through church, others through school, some through civic organizations and some through loss. I believe all had a nice time and Chad especially enjoyed being the person of honor.

Sunday, I attended the wedding of a very dear widow friend. Trish married Brad in Monticello and it was magical. The ceremony was special and the reception simply a blast. It was good to see my widow friends from Chicago and spend some time with them. What an inspirational example that there is “life after death”!

Well, this most anticipated, activity-packed weekend is over. I am tired, but have wonderful memories shared by many family and friends. It is within these moments that I feel most greatly blessed and loved.

This I know for sure.

Entitlement!

I had a difficult weekend. I posted what happened on the widow board and, as usual received some great advice. I didn’t like what I was feeling, but couldn’t stop it. I think many of us feel this way---a sense of entitlement. I have had to come to grips with the fact that the person (male figure) who had my son’s best interest at heart is no longer around and what is more---I shouldn’t even expect anyone else to take up the slack.

After Don died there were so many promises of men who would “stand in for Don”, well it just hasn’t happened. However, there has been one person who has taken interest in my son and has sacrificed his own personal time to spend time with my child. This person is my pastor. PT lives across the street and I can always count on him to include my son when he is playing basketball or Play Station. My youngest son has appreciated this male-bonding. He loves visiting PT and talks about it for hours after returning home. In turn they have a special relationship. Chandler loves to kid PT and his face lights up whenever he sees PT. He just needs to have someone think it is important to spend time with him. It seems so simple to me.

There are men in my family, but they have families, jobs and lives of their own and it is quite selfish of me to think they would have my kid’s interest in mind when they have their own. The difficult part is that my head comprehends this notion, but my heart can’t seem to reconcile the reality.

Why do I feel like my kids have some entitlement to sharing in male-bonding experiences with my brother, dad, uncle etc…? No one has an “obligation” to my children, but I do KNOW if Don were here my kids would be included in many of the activities they are excluded from now. I truly hate feeling this way. I know that I feel like my boys are short changed in the male-activity department and that mom is simply NOT an adequate stand-in for a male role-model. I really do HATE the these emotions I am having. I have tried for HOURS to reason this out and “get over it”, but to NO avail--tears still flow; feelings are slow to change-which isn't at all like me. Perhaps that is the part that distresses me.

I WILL get over it…..
I just HATE that I have to and that this is just another thing to add to the list. Someone tell me I am NOT the most selfish being on the planet for feeling this way!

But for now---seems I am still a participant in my own“pity party”

This I know for sure…and am not particularly proud of it.

Healing

I had surgery ten days ago. As surgeries go, it was considered major. As recoveries go, it has been very smooth. Today I overdid it. I needed some new clothes for several graduation parties I am to attend in the next few weeks, so I did a little shopping. I met my dad for lunch, some friends for coffee after school, my best friend and her husband for dinner and then to a graduation party at a nearby golf course. Tonight, I am paying the price. I am exhausted and in more pain than I have been in since the day of the surgery.

This is a bit like when we experience emotional pain. When the pain first hits we are careful to take care of ourselves. We surround ourselves with supportive people; we seek solace in faith and even take more time for “us”. As we think we are beginning to heal we step away from the support. We try to go it alone and then “bam” the pain hits us again and we are made greatly aware that we still need the support---that is our emotional pain medicine.

This I know for sure.