I Am Praying for You...

"I'm praying for you." I have said this or had it said to me a million times. Sometimes, it seems to have become trite. I wonder how many of us actually follow through and pray for the person we say those words to. The reason this struck me today is because this was in the closing of an email from a good friend. Normally, I would skim across the closing and move on to the next email, but because this email was from my friend J, I paused knowing full well that she meant what she wrote. See, I know she is a modern day "prayer warrior".

We don't hear that term used very often today. Perhaps it is because these saints of prayer are vanishing. I have been fortunate to have many "prayer warriors" in my life starting with my Great grandmother Stroman. When visiting her as a little girl, I remember peeking in her bedroom door. She would actually be on her knees beside her bed petitioning God out loud on our behalf. Some days she would call me in to join her. Of course my ADD would set in and within seconds and I would begin to "squirm", as she liked to call it. Finding it more than difficult to keep my eyes shut, I would eventually leave. These memories of my great-grandmother praying are a part of her legacy to me.

My grandmother Hancock was also vigilant in prayer and meditation. Her life was spent in ministry with my blind grandfather. She was a prime example of a life totally surrendered to her faith. Between the two of them, I know they logged hours upon hours in prayer for family, friends and the church.

Then there is my mother. Oh to have the discernment and grace that defines her life. Though I know it may be difficult to believe, I wasn't the easiest child to raise---I still am not. You could make an argument that this fact alone would bring her to her knees, but that isn't the case. No matter what trepidation life has brought my way, I KNOW that my mother has been praying for me—in that thought alone, lies great strength.

Mom doesn't take prayer for granted. She is a student of prayer. She extensively reads, writes and speaks about this topic. I am cognizant of the fact that my mother prays for me. She would never need to tell me because I know; yet she often verbalizes it to me anyway. She doesn't simply say, "I am praying for you." She says, "Marsha, I am praying that God….". Herein lies her resolve. She knows the secret. Praying specifically is as important as the act in itself.

We often disregard the power of prayer and the effects of meditation on our lives, yet I am positive that the prayer of Godly people in my life has been extraordinarily powerful and effective (James 5:16). Oh to be the kind of warrior of those faithful who have gone before me. I long to be worthy…

This I know for sure…

On Body Image

“I want to be them someday,” I expressed upon entering the locker room at the local YMCA. These older patrons are admirable. I am even jealous of them. I want to be as comfortable with my body as they obviously are.

They don’t have perfect bodies—far from it. They have lumps and bumps; gravity has certainly taken its toll, but they strut around the locker room as if they were Heidi Klum. I, in contrast, am in the corner of the locker room with the towel in my mouth covering my less than attractive body; the twenty pounds I have gained since my hysterectomy sits on my body like a ball and chain, while these women-totally naked- stop to chat. It is an enigma to me. How do you get to the point where you are comfortable with your body AS IT IS? I am not there yet.

This I know for sure.

Building a Bridge

I went to the cemetery today. It is the first time in a while. When I visit Don's grave I don't often talk to him outside of an initial greeting, but today I was compelled to do so for some reason. Snow was still on the ground and it was cold, but I felt warmth drawing me to his memorial. Approaching his stone, I spoke the familiar greeting, "Don, how are things at home?" I felt somewhat of a smile on my face as I thought of his heavenly home and the encompassing peace he must have.

I spent some time catching him up about the boys and how amazing they are doing—how I know he is proud of them beyond measure. I chatted about his mother and brothers and told him Chad was excited to visit them in Arizona.

I then began to discuss the "chapter two" I will begin to write in a few days. I expressed that I felt honored that God had chosen to bless me twice in my lifetime. I told him about Kent—how different this relationship is from the one we had, but how perfect he is for me at this stage in my life. I expressed my concern with instantly becoming a mother of six. I knew he would find that, in itself, humorous. There was no awkwardness in the discourse—like it was a natural flow of conversation. Through my tears of grief and joy, I assured him that he would always be the boy's father and the legacy that he has left them will sustain them for the rest of their lives. I promised to uphold his memory. I guaranteed him that Kent had no desire to be a replacement father, but felt honored to simply be a strong male influence in the boy's lives (I think Kent realizes he has a lot to live up to).

I am not sure anyone (except perhaps my widow friends and even they might think this a little weird) can understand how important this task was for me to complete today. I wasn't asking Don permission or needing any kind of assurance. I was simply building a bridge from my "chapter one" to my "chapter two". Not, in any terms, closing one to open the other, but fully recognizing and acknowledging the importance of both in my "life story".

About that time, a gentle breeze began to blow onto my face. The feeling gave me goose bumps. It's gentleness reminded me of that quality in Don. Was this Don's way of giving me his blessing? I stood, in silence, beside the grave for what seemed like hours, but in reality was mere minutes. As I turned to walk away, I experienced an immense calmness in my spirit--- the feeling that my "Chapter two" had been sanctioned. I left with immeasurable peace. The bridge was complete.

This I know for sure.

Touched -- By Love!

Sometimes a poem, writing, or prose---touches me without warning. I came across this poem by one of my most favorite poets, Maya Angelou. It says it all...


Touched by an Angel

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

-Maya Angelou-

This I know for sure...

The Cuttill-Price Bunch

In two weeks I will become a stepmother. This realization just hit me today for some reason. Upon recognizing this fact, I immediately did what any other educated “soon-to-be” stepmother would do. I hit the Internet and Googled everything I could on the subject. I entered; “blended families”, “adult stepchildren”, “being a successful stepparent”, even “how to blend adult children”. If it could be researched, I read it. The conclusion of my investigation is that step parenting, although may have it’s own intricacies, is not all that different from parenting in general especially where adult children are concerned.

Though they are adults with lives of their own, I have grown to love Kent’s children.. They seem to have accepted me as I have them. I appreciate them as individuals and hopefully they have embraced me in the same way. One advantage to becoming a stepparent at this stage in life is that I get to be a part of the kid’s life as they embark on adulthood. Perhaps this is a good state of affairs

I wonder if they think about having a stepmother? I wonder if they have expectations or worries that I should be aware of? All of a sudden these questions seem to swirl around in my head.

I want Kent’s children to know that I love their father and by doing this I choose to love the ones he loves. I want them to know that I respect and honor the life they had before me and will always hold it in high regard. I pledge to learn more about each of them as unique individuals with exceptional promise. Most of all they need to know how determined I am to be the kind of stepmother they need.

I am not naive. I know that adult children like to make their own decisions, yet often their choices affect us sometimes in positive ways and at times in difficult terms. I know that any valuable relationship is worth the hard work it takes to grow. I know that there will be bumps in the road and times when the relationship will be strained, but I also am resolved to do what it takes to make the bumps less and the joys great. I look, with promise, to the opportunity to blend two families into one strong unit. I am gong from being a single mother of two to a married mother of six and grandmother of one-How blessed is that?

This I know for sure...

She Chose Us!

This is Chelsie---she is the fourth member of our family. We adopted her, but she chose us. Our life is enriched because she is apart of it. We didn’t intend to fall so madly in love with her—it just happened.

A few years ago I had to put our family pet, Divot, to sleep. It was such a traumatic experience for me that I told the family “No more dogs!” That lasted a couple of weeks. Don wanted a golden retriever—our favorite breed, but I didn’t want to do the “puppy training” again, so I contacted a golden retriever rescue to see if there was an older dog available for us to adopt.

Now, the process for adopting a dog from the rescue rivaled that of adopting a child. There was an astronomical amount of paper work; as well as home visits and background checks. When our “case worker” brought Chelsie to our house the first time, it was simply to see how we interacted with a dog. You see, Chelsie had been promised to another family. When Chelsie entered our house it was as if she were already home. We took to her immediately and she obviously loved us. She even sat at the back door and cried when Chandler ran back into the house to find a ball for them to play with.

This was not what the caseworker expected—this dog instantly bonded with us. As we watched Chelsie drive off that day, we were left with an empty feeling. Later that evening, we received a surprising email from the caseworker. She had taken Chelsie to the other family, but the visit didn’t go quite as well as she expected. She told us that she was “re-thinking” Chelsie’s adoption. Excited beyond belief, we actually prayed that we would be chosen. A few days later we got a call. Chelsie was to be part of our family—she had chosen us.

Ever since the day we signed the adoption papers, this dog has been an important member of our family. She is gentle, loving and so very affectionate. She has never run off—she doesn’t need a leash. She learned to “sit”—after her first lesson; she shakes, lies down and clearly loves us unconditionally. I laugh at the saying that “I long to be the person my dog thinks I am”, but with Chelsie it fits--if only I could be that person.

She loved Don. They spend hours together, and when he died Chelsie mourned with the rest of us. The vet even prescribed doggie Prozac for her. Now, she is closest to me. She has become my self-proclaimed protector. Wherever I am in the house, that's where you can find her. In these weeks of “counting my blessings”, Chelsie is one of God’s greatest.

This I know for sure.

Paying It Forward

I had dinner last night with a fellow widow. We first connected through the YW board and then through mutual friends. She is heading into her six-month “sadiversary”. Oh, how I remember that time period. It was perhaps the most difficult along this journey. Shock was beginning to wear off and the reality of loss seemed overwhelming. It was also the point where I was trying to compensate with material possessions both for the boys and myself. I wouldn’t want to relive that time for anything, but sure would like to have made different choices.

This week my schedule has been overloaded. I have little to no down time and much to accomplish, but when this widow called I knew that she needed a sympathetic ear. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to our visit, but was reminded that it was at my own six month mark when I connected with the Chicago widows. They were, and continue to be, a very special lifeline. So, I wanted to at least attempt to “pay it forward”. We met at a local restaurant and clicked immediately. Conversation easily flowed out of the loneliness of loss and spanning across the difficulties of raising children without their father.

When a spouse dies, you not only lose your best friend, lover, confidant…you lose your support system, your anchor and sometimes your confidence. Gaining back your self-assurance is a long road. One thing I appreciated most about my widow group in Chicago was that they were like my life cheerleaders. I wanted to be that for my new friend.

Surprisingly, it was so very easy to do. We laughed together---teared up together, but most of all we “got” each other. Here is someone I barely knew; the only thing we had in common was the loss of a spouse, yet we immediately connected.

Paying it forward is one of life’s privileges. We all have experienced heartache, pain and even joy which connects us to others. Connecting with another in a meaningful fashion not only enriches their life, but enhances our own. Living life to the fullest has little to do with “stuff”—nice houses, new cars or exotic vacations, but is about sharing with those along the journey. In the end, the legacy we leave has much more to do with relationships than with anything temporal.

This I know for sure.

Marge

I made it up today by 5:15 AM (yes, AM) and headed to the YMCA to work out as part of my new routine. When I arrived in the locker room, there was Marge. She sitting on the bench in my locker area; confidently changing her clothes to get into the pool. I assumed she must be around 75 or so and in fairly good shape. Her sassy spirit was quite evident in our banter. She wanted to know if I was one of the "new girls". I hadn't been called a girl in so long, I quickly responded that I was indeed a "new girl". Apparently miffed that I was in her space, she went on to tell me that she drives all the way from Monticello three times a week to workout and that there were already four women in our section who come religiously and have for years. Of course by this time I was bound and determined to win her over—the challenge was simply too hard to resist.

I assured her that I would not be intrusive; that I simply needed to grab my headphones and would be out of their way. She seemed relieved. I expressed that I was impressed with her dedication to fitness and that she looked amazing. "Well,” she explained, “besides coming to the YMCA on a regular basis, I never drank, I never smoked and I had a lot of sex. That is why I am in such good shape. I am almost 90 years old." NINETY!!! WOW!! What a recipe for longevity.

I introduced myself and she politely reciprocated. She told me that she lost her husband 15 years earlier. I told her I had lost my two and a half years ago. There is an instant bond between widows—camaraderie that time and age transcends. Immediately, her spirit softened. We traded a few more pleasantries and I headed for the locker room door. Behind me, I heard her say, "Ah, a new friend."

With a grin on my face, that she never caught sight of, I responded, "You bet, Marge. Thanks for the advice and I'll see you Thursday."

Blessings come in different packages, in countless circumstances and through a multitude of means. We must be receptive when they present themselves. Today, Marge was my blessing…

This I know for sure.

Keeping a Holy Lent

I Kings 19:1-8

I am not sure of the theological history behind "giving up" something for Lent. I am sure it is rooted in penance of some sort, but for me, this simple act of self-sacrifice has brought focus and discipline I have long needed. I feel as if God is calling me to open myself up to the possibilities he has in store for me.

When I choose to give up something in preparation for a spiritual awakening, I am consciously taking steps to that end. It gives action to my beliefs. I don't think God cares that much what I am giving up as much as he wishes for me to experience what life has for me without the desired behavior.

The journey from chaos to clarity is not about doing what we're told. It's about searching for the voice of God and finding it deep within who we are. It isn't about the reward but about the journey..

This I know for sure.

If you want some great suggestions as to how to memorialize this Lenten season—this is a great web site:
http://www.beliefnet.com/lent/calendar.html

Even Through the Desert

During my quiet time this morning I read today’s Lenten devotional from Matthew 4:1-11. It is the passage concerning the temptation of Jesus in the desert. It made me realize that we all are tempted in different fashions, but usually in a productive manner. I personally believe that evil typically enters our lives in subtle fashion. I am no longer tempted by the same things I was when I was a teenager. For me, evil can manifest itself in my life through attitude and a critical spirit. When I studied this scripture this morning, it had little impact. I even thought, “Gee, what will I blog about.” But God is always faithful when we truly seek Him.

I have grown up in the church I now attend. I believe its theology, mission and purpose. There are times when many of the local aspects of the church cloud my attitude and it is as this point--within the confines of my heart-- that I am tempted. Today was one of those days. It is easy to critically view the physical church. Finding fault with the programs, leadership and worship style can cloud my heart and before I know it that critical spirit stagnates my spiritual walk. I become an ineffective Christian.

I entered worship this morning with a less than stellar attitude. Those insignificant irritants listed above were in the forefront of my mind and I began to feel my attitude sliding into that abyss of negativity. This is the desert where temptation can try my heart and mind if I allow it to do so. Remembering the scripture in Matthew and our Lord’s temptation, a sudden peace swept over my being. I came to the re-realization that God’s Church is NOT this local one. Praying for strength to see past myself, I was able to enjoy what God had to say to his people through the words of our pastor. I was being transformed—

Even this short lesson in trusting God, had its own speed bump. The evil one didn’t let my spirit go quite so easily. Three quarters of the way through the sermon the pastor interjected what seemed to be a very insecure and unnecessary comment about our church before his ministry. In that moment, I could feel my heart transform immediately to that critical nature as though everything God had shown me was clouded. But it was as if the Holy Spirit would not allow my heart to remain in this state and I was reminded that my pastor, though ordained by God, is only human. Because he has revealed much of his heart though ministry, my heart was assured that he would never knowingly say something to hinder anyone in his flock. I witnessed my pastor in a more human light.

When it all is said and done, becoming a vital member of the "church our world needs" means constantly taking stock of our own spiritual status. It means understanding the ways in which temptation can test our hearts and create less than effective lives. It does NOT mean being bound to the building we enter every Sunday, but instead to the folks who journey together with us.

There are no words to capture the conversion of my spirit today. So, the journey continues, even through the desert…

This I know for sure…

Called to a Different Fast

Today’s Lenten devotion was take from Isaiah 58:5-12. I really thought I was doing this right—the Lent thing that is! I had the right motives; I chose to “give up” something that was difficult for me to do without. But low and behold, Isaiah calls me to a different fast, one that requires a bit more consideration. (vs 6-7)

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

What is my role, as a Christian in social consciousness? My son just wrote a paper about young people and their tendency to be so self- absorbed that the social injustices of the world don’t seem to be of much concern to them. Well, after today's devotion I have found the need for my own self-reflection in this area.

I have believed that as long as I didn’t knowingly purchase items known to be harmful to the environment or shop at places that are less than fair to their employees I was being socially responsible, but what if that isn’t true? What if, as a Christian, it is my responsibility to place a portion of my energy into "loosing the chains of injustice" in a more significant way and if so, how is this accomplished?

Perhaps it isn’t enough to simply recycle or give to “Feed the Children”. Maybe I am called to genuine action—to become aware of social injustices and do my part to bring them to an end. I don’t mean carrying picket signs or radical action (unless I am lead to do so), but taking small steps to bring social consciousness into my life.

Taking that first step, for me, begins with education. You can’t take a step, if you don’t have a clue where to go. I often view organizations like Greenpeace as being too radical. But God has given me a brain and a fair amount of discernment, so I could examine the information these types of organizations publish, do some research, pray and unearth (on my own) significant ways that I can take the first steps to fasting differently.

My views need to become more global and yet; on the other hand, my eyes and heart must become more attuned to the social ills right here—in my own community. After all, a journey of a thousand miles truly does begin with a single step.

This I know for sure…

CONGRATULATIONS FRED AND LISA!!!

Love is patient, love is kind. It always protects... Always hopes... Always trusts... Love never fails!

May your Chapter Two be filled with much hope and happiness!!!

The Journey Begins...

It is the Lenten season. As I reflect on my last few posts, I have come to the realization that this is the perfect time to actively seek the clarity I long for. I love Easter. It is by far my most favorite holiday. I love everything it represents spiritually. I love the promise, the hope, and the expectation of the season. The idea of a 40-day preparation for Easter intrigues me. Our church observes lent, but not in the same way the Catholic Church or Greek Orthodox do. I like the concept of self-sacrifice during the Lenten season. The idea of giving something up that I find pleasurable as outward evidence of an inner work, strengthens my spirit. Perhaps it is because self-discipline often eludes me. I think that by committing to "giving up" something and in its place creating time to pray, reflect, and serve; one can’t help but grow. By observing and participating in the Lenten season I can begin to find clarity in my life as well as prepare my heart and mind for the Easter celebration. So, over the next 40 days (yes I know it is less than 40 by now), I will take you along on the journey with me.

The decision has been made as to what I will relinquish for the Lenten season. I am not going to publicly acknowledge what it is I am giving up because I believe it to be a contract between God and myself. Guess you will have to trust me on this one, but I am committed to "giving up" this pleasure until Easter. Since whatever one chooses to give up for Lent is supposed to be something pleasurable, I imagine that giving up exercise and vegetables isn't exactly what theologians had in mind.

I also want to embrace the idea of replacing what I have sacrificed with something of value, perhaps in a service for others fashion. I will have to think about this one, but will actively explore ways to serve during the season.

I know I am getting a late start on this lent thing due to a major "act of God" (see post below), but I really don't think God will mind since it is sort of His fault anyway and He knows where my heart lies.

Tell me, are you doing anything to commemorate this Lenten season? If you are, share your stories. I love hearing from others walking the same path. The journey begins…

To change and to change for the better are two different things.
German proverb

This I know for sure…

It Just STINKS!!!

How much “clarity” can a person take in a 24-hour period? It was as if God said, “Marsha, you want clarity, then here we go girl!” I am almost positive that’s the way God speaks, by the way. Anyway, upon arriving home last night from work, I started downstairs to greet the boys. As I crept down the stairs I noticed water seeping into the basement through the window casing and the floor of the basement becoming saturated with water. Nervously, I pulled back the curtain and to my horror saw my entire window well (all 57” by 40” of it) totally filled with water---gallons and gallons of water!!!!

Now, I tend to overreact initially. I panic---for a moment—yell---scream and then it is over I can then engage in whatever action is needed to rectify the situation. So, I ran upstairs to phone my father when I heard an incredible glass-shattering crash (followed by more screaming—this time it wasn’t me). The window had shattered and water --- gallons and gallons—was pouring into my basement. The three of us ran, frantically, through the house grabbing anything that would hold water---nothing was large enough—water was everywhere. In the midst of cleaning, calling for help and procuring professional assistance I found that I was amazingly calm. Yes, I cursed the fact I was facing this by myself, but was thankful for my father and brother in law (who came to my rescue).

SOOOOOOO—after hours of cleaning, millions of phone calls and LITTLE SLEEP, here is where we stand. It will cost $3,000 to dry out my basement (this doesn't include replacing the carpet) and the insurance company says --- they will NOT cover it, oh but don't worry---they WILL pay to replace the $186.00 window. We will appeal the decision (so anyone with good ideas to this end, let me know), but… it doesn’t negate the fact that it is more stress than I am ready to expend… at this time. This just stinks--literally and figuratively!

This I know for sure…

Through the Fog

My widow sister Alicia posted about clarity this week (Clarity). Her post resonated with me. I was reminded of her words as I was driving home from school on Monday. The fog in Central Illinois was unbelievable. I couldn’t see ten feet in front of the car and had to travel a highway to get home from school. I asked Chandler to be my second set of eyes and to keep me informed of familiar landmarks so we could navigate our way home a bit easier. I was sure I could keep my bearings if I could identify those familiar landmarks, but the fog was so dense, that familiar markers were unidentifiable. I became overwhelmed with the feeling of helplessness. I was a slave to the weather. It is very easy to become lost without “clarity” and that sense of helplessness can become oppressive.

My life has been clouded in thick fog for the past two (plus) years. Since Don’s death I have had a general since of losing site of some important aspects of who I am and what I need to do to continue life in a productive manner. Some of my “life landmarks” have been clouded in fog and I have done what any young widow would do, I have kept on “driving”: hoping that someday I will wake up and everything will be clear again---praying that I don’t get totally lost or worse.

Don’t get me wrong, one aspect of my existence that is perfectly clear is my relationship with Kent, but other facets of my life are unrecognizable. Other things, like finances, simply elude me. Now, I was never all that stellar in this area anyway, but through the fog of my life—it seems worse. Taking care of myself physically, seems to have taken a back burner to, well, everything. Through the fog, it has been impossible to be motivated anyway.

The lack of vision may be the biggest consequence of this life fog. I seem to simply be living for the moment—the day at best. I have a wedding to plan, two households to join, a new life to create and what have I accomplished to that end? I have a dress to wear and that is about it—no flowers have been ordered, no caterer has been hired, no stringed quartet has been procured—where is my vision as well as my energy? I am teaching with an administrative master’s and no plan to use it—where is my vision? OH, and did I mention I need to get to the gym in order to fit into “the dress”? I need clarity.

I long for someone to point out life landmarks through the fog. You know, those milestones that keep life clear when circumstances get muddled. There is but One who can be that visionary. Turning over the driver’s seat of my life fog to a God who loves and cares for me, should be one of the easiest things I could do. Then why isn’t it? Why am I so unwilling to allow Him to create clarity which naturally leads to the energy and wisdom I need to regain control of my life? All I have to do is ask—and the fog will begin to lift-the helplessness would ease. Yes, I will be required to take action as well, but I need clarity in order to move ahead with confidence and for that, I pray. On the road to clarity…
…this I know for sure.

Effective Teachers/Effective People

What constitutes an effective teacher…. how about an effective human being? If you asked a million teachers this question, you would get a million varied responses. One thing I know for sure is that I would get different answers from effective teachers than from the ineffective ones. We all know who they are. Ineffective teachers are easy to spot to everyone, but themselves. I believe most ineffective educators don’t realize that they are this way. They have lost the ability to self reflect and lack the flexibility to transform even if they were to realize that what they are doing isn’t successful. These are educators who NEVER are afforded the opportunity to hear students say they are excited about coming to class, or to have parents (in public) say, “Yes, she is an awesome teacher”.

Quite the opposite is true for ineffective teachers. These are the ones who quite proudly proclaim it isn’t important what parents or students think. They make it known that because they posses some higher discipline or standard that they are exempt from the obligation to connect with students, let alone the educational community. How do I know all of this? I wish I could say it is because I have come into contact with one too many ineffective teachers (which unfortunately IS part of the story), but actually it is because there have been times in my career when I have felt unsuccessful. This ineffectiveness gnaws at my gut until I take the time to pause, reflect and change. Sounds simple, but it is far from painless.

Self-reflection is complicated. It requires us to be honest with ourselves. What’s more, it requires that we take responsibility for our actions and create a plan for change. If we aren’t up for change then reflection is pointless. Perhaps this is where ineffective teachers get hung up. As difficult as reflection can be, admitting that you need to change is even more so.

Maybe this is a human condition more than a “teacher” one. For instance, if we find ourselves in failed relationships of any type, it is rarely our fault, but more often we feel the failure is due to the actions of others. We even tend to blame spiritual emptiness on the lack of being “fed” by the church or blame God for abandoning us. It simply never enters our mind that it is our responsibility to seek the nurturing our own spiritual connection. As long as we blame and deny—we never are required to confront and transform. Honest reflection might be complicated, painful or even exhausting, but it is the answer to obtaining many of the life successes that we so adamantly pursue.

This I know for sure…

When I Can't Find the Words!

I haven’t written for a week. I simply don’t have much to say right now. Characteristically, I decided to analyze why. It could be a direct result of my plate being full - stuff like planning a wedding, preparing for two book clubs, teaching 120 students everyday, running a household, balancing the budget and simply keeping the plates spinning. For the first time in a while, I am speechless. It’s like I don’t have an intelligent thought in my head let alone one to share.

I know I need to exercise again. The first step has been taken—I joined the YMCA. Now, I just need to go. I am not terribly tired, just preoccupied. It is in times like these that I believe my ADHD goes wacko. Not only am I keeping the plates spinning, but my mind is spinning as well.

Finding moments of respite isn’t easy. It takes conscious effort on my part to slow down my heart and mind long enough to be recharged. I used to have a screened in porch that was my haven: my special place to find solace. More than once, I remember retreating to this special place in the middle of winter. I would take a space heater, a huge blanket, a big cup of coffee, and my Bible into this sanctuary as I refueled my soul. I really don’t have a physical respite at this moment. It appears as if this would be a good place to start my search for solace. If I can’t find that extraordinary place—I will need to find extraordinary time.

This I know for sure…
Dang, pretty long for not having anything to say...

Spiritual Choices

Spiritual Choices a Henri Nouwen devotional.

Choices make the difference. Two people are in the same accident and severely wounded. They did not choose to be in the accident. It happened to them. But one of them chooses to live the experience in bitterness, the other in gratitude. These choices radically influenced their lives and the lives of their families and friends. We have very little control over what happens in our lives, but we have a lot of control over how we integrate and remember what happens. It is precisely these spiritual choices that determine whether we live our lives with dignity.

I have been on this journey for over two years—from the most traumatic and painful to a newfound contentment and even joy. Along the road I have met many different travelers. It always amazes me at the lengths folks go to avoid feeling (or dealing with) pain. One person in my life even accused me of being a “downer” because whenever she experiences pain she simply “thinks happy thoughts”---geezzz—lucky her. Apparently she still sleeps with a husband who breathes in and out---ok---I digress…. What concerns me is this superficial “choice”— this choice to evade seems to imply the avoidance of working through the pain. I wonder if this strategy will end up backfiring in the future and the pain becoming overwhelming.

The pain of loss never entirely goes away; however, it is vital to make a conscious decision to work through it. Avoiding the lure of bitterness becomes another balancing act. The very thought of “choosing” to live in gratitude seems absurd at best. How can you be grateful while enduring such heartache? The answer is that WE can’t, but by living within our faith it becomes possible. When Don died, I wanted, more than anything, to make sure I appeared strong for my kids. What I found instead was the ability to recognize the “blessing in the thorn” The fact is that it is impossible to experience real joy without knowing the heartache of real pain.

This I know for sure…

Resolution Solution!

Bridet Jones's Diary begins with 33 of her New Year's Resolutions. She provides a window into her character simply from creating the list. Tomorrow I go back to school, yes it stinks as all the other schools around us are out until Monday. In trying to create a writing assignment for my students that mixed the rhythm of the season (New Year's) and the craft of creating character, we are going to complete the following New Year's Resolution. I can't wait to learn more about my students through this activity--wonder what they will learn of me.

My New Year’s Resolution:
(or A Tribute to Bridget Jones)

I will not…
…jump to conclusions before getting all of the information, at least most of the time.
…drink a gallon of Diet Mountain Dew each day—half-gallon tops
…desecrate another moment trying to figure out why things happen
…waste calories on food that doesn’t taste good—
…squander my energies with negative talk.
…check my email continuously—keeping it to three times a day (morning, noon, evening).
…allow past mistakes/failures to affect the future.
…abdicate my responsibility to figure out what the heck is wrong with the dishwasher.
…allow the children to manipulate me into giving them money, letting them out of responsibilities or dismissing disrespect as teenage angst.
…yell first and ask questions later

I will…
…sing louder and more often in the car.
…watch less tv and read more
…not wait until the last minute to read the book club books
…get in touch with friends I have be inattentive to for far too long
…take a planned family vacation
…learn to write down passwords so that I don’t forget them.
…exercise more talk about it less.
…try harder to redirect the negativity around me
…not participate in gossip, hold my tongue and save my obnoxious opinions for when it is essential to use them.
…accomplish Guitar Hero on “medium” level---ok maybe become a proficient “easy”

This I know for relatively sure…
Now it is your turn---what do you resolve???

Five Things-Tagged Again!

Alicia tagged me again--this was a tough one. I think it should simply say "20 Things You Want Your Kids to Know" and be done with it, but here it goes....

Five things you want your kids to know before they grow up

• That the pain of the past creates strength and confidence for the future.
• That who they become is far more important than what they amass in earthly terms.
• That gentlemen put the lid down---yes always.
• That spiritual strength is not about church and religion, but that the community of believers should provide opportunities to serve.
• That creating loving relationships is what makes life sweeter and this is sometimes hard work.

Five things you want to tell your children when they are grown up

• That I would do it all over again (I have to steal this one—it says it all).
• That the legacy of love and hope that their father left them should be a goal in their own lives.
• That without the pain—there would be no way to experience real joy.
• That I am terribly proud of who they have become.
• That the profession they choose should create in them excitement every day and that this is the definition of success.
  

Five things you want to tell your children before you die

• That how ever they choose to deal with my death—it is fine with me.
• To treasure the small events in life—it is short.
• That writing is more than a class in school, but can be the window into the soul and much cheaper than counseling.
• Faith is the foundation on which a home is built.
• To enjoy the beauty of God’s creation—take time to plant, grow and enjoy.

Five things you want your children to know before they die (I took this as experience)

• The joy of raising children.
• The wholeness of finding the love of their life.
• The enjoyment of travel.
• The hope that faith in God brings.
• The importance of learning to forgive—especially themselves.

As far as tagging the next victim in this exercise--I say if you are reading this, consider yourself tagged. After thinking through these answers, I realize that there are many lessons my children are going to have to learn the hard way--- trial by fire.

This I know for sure...

Christmas Eve Blessings

Waking up this morning I didn’t anticipate that the day would turn out as it did. I was unaware of the blessings God had in store for me this day. I woke with a million things on my mind. My family was coming to my house for Christmas dinner -- I hadn’t begun wrapping all my presents—my house needed cleaning – laundry needed to be finished-- and I was exhausted before the day began.

Rolling out of bed, I threw on a t-shirt and sweats then took mental note of my daily tasks. I carried down the laundry, checked my email and put on a pot of coffee when all of a sudden; I heard my garage door open and in walked----my cleaning lady. Yep, Daysi walked through my door and said, “Didn’t you expect me?” I assured her that I was very surprised that she came on Christmas Eve—yet was ecstatic that I no longer had to worry about getting my house ready for family tomorrow (blessing number one).

I retreated to my room to finish wrapping my Christmas presents. As I placed the final piece of tape upon each gift, and wrote the familiar “to:____ and from: _______” I felt compelled to offer up a prayer for each recipient. I prayed that this year would bring each individual blessings and an abundance of hope beyond expectation. This was one of the most profound solitary moments I have spent in my entire life (blessing number two).

After Daysi left, my best friend, Ginny arrived unexpectedly for an impromptu visit. We chatted and laughed together. It is always a gift to share part of your day with one who understands and accepts you so completely ---again---this was another unexpected blessing (number three, but who is counting).

Taking a long bath was next on my list, followed by preparing for an evening with Don's family. The last two Christmas’s, to say the least, have been difficult for all of us. Losing Don the first Christmas was difficult enough, not to mention, the loss of his father 10 months later making last Christmas unbearable. I decided that this Christmas would be different. I knew it would take a conscious effort to make this wish a reality.

We arrived at my brother-in-laws in time for our traditional Christmas Eve meal of homemade pizza—oh so delicious. We played games and laughed until we cried, while reflecting upon memories of the past. After exchanging gifts to one another, my MIL placed a final gift into my hands, the tag read: to Kent. She will never know what a blessing this simple act of acceptance and love meant to me. Upon reflection, this evening was the day’s greatest blessing— the love of Don's family— who through the depths of grief to the heights of promise have continued to love -- was indeed a highlight of my holiday. God has been faithful to bless our lives in spite of what life has thrown our direction. Christmas Eve blessings are sweet indeed.

This I know for sure.

Providence

I keep a writer's notebook at school which I write in if I wish to model writing with my students. I came across a notebook I kept 2004-2005. I began to read the entries and was amazed at the providence of some of the writing I did before Don died. Here is an example:

Hope
Is a big girl
She ignores uncertainty, despair and self-absorption
She treats them as if they didn’t exist
She has been through great trials
Yet remains friends with contentment
She looks toward the race
Becoming as she journeys

(mentor text: “Confidence” from The Book of Qualities by J. Ruth Gendler)

Providence - something I am more aware of than ever before...
This I know for sure...

The Fine Art of Re-Gifting

Ok—I admit it. I have, once or twice in my lifetime, re-gifted. I am not proud of this fact, but I am prepared to come clean. Since my initial re-gifting incidences, I have been socially educated (via Oprah) and understand that it would have been a better choice to donate the items to charity rather than re-gift them. Seems re-gifting falls into the social context of an unacceptable faux pas. This unintentional blunder got me thinking--are there gifts that would be perfectly acceptable, even admirable to re-gift? I imagine that there are. I even believe that you possess some of these gifts; they are simply lying around your life, stagnating, ready to be re-gifted in order to be fully appreciated.

The Gift of Friendship – This is a gift that certainly keeps giving. I have found this to be one of life’s most precious offerings. C.S. Lewis noted that “Friendship is born in that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!” and it is in that moment that a bond begins to form. Re-gifting friendship simply brings more folks into your life enriching your journey, making your path more bearable and providing you with opportunities to nurture another.

The Gift of Grace – This is a word we don’t often use today. I know there are times I expect others to grant grace to me without extending the same consideration to them. I teach middle school children. If ever there were a population that could utilize every bit of grace one might possess, it is this group. However, I find that when I extend grace (re-gifted if you will) it does pay forward. I notice that others in my life tend to become more gracious, even 12 year olds. This season is your chance to re-gift grace. I am speaking of grace in a more intimate context—that within our families, friendships, spiritual communities and homes we grant Godly grace out of love and openness.

The Gift of Silence – Well, heck—I would love to re-gift this—if only I had some given to me. Seriously, sometimes I find myself talking way too much and listening way too little—just ask my 19 year old he will gladly back my story. I used to love silence. It was in the still of those quiet moments that I would feel most centered because I was actually making the effort to listen. I rarely spend time in silence today. Since Don died I can’t even go to sleep without the television blaring in the background and when I am cooking or cleaning—noise is a constant companion. I believe this holiday; I will re-gift this one to myself and set aside some time to simply be quiet.

The Gift of Hope – There are so many folks out there who have lost hope. They may have owned it at one time, but for some reason it has been stolen from their lives. Hopeless people come in all shapes and sizes; in all ethnicities; in all socioeconomic classes; in all emotional states and sometimes are right in front of our eyes, but we fail to even notice. This gift comes wrapped in various packages. Hope sometimes presents itself in simple ways like in a touch, a glance that says we understand or in a warm embrace. Re-gifting hope could possible require much more of you. It may call you to give time, effort, or resources in order to reach out in hope to someone else. Life is hopeful. It is the way we were meant to live-by all means it is mean to be re-gifted.

So go ahead—I give you permission, even encouragement, to re-gift ANY or all of the before mentioned gifts. I believe you will find your holiday season much more gratifying and rewarding if you do.

This I know for sure…

And the Countdown Begins!

March 15, 2008
1:00 pm

I AM Dancing!!!

Psalms 30:11
“You have turned my mourning into dancing”

As many of you know, this scripture has been my mantra the past 2+ years. It wasn’t that I ever questioned “if” I would “dance” again, but it was a question of “when” I would dance again. Well, seems that time has come. I believe my life is “dancing” at last.

As the holiday season is in full swing, so is my holiday schedule. This weekend was Chandler’s birthday and from the sleepover Friday night to the family party Sunday, I should be exhausted. What I found for the first time in a long time, was that instead of being exhausted I was experiencing----joy. Yes, I have much to be joyful about this season, but I don’t think I have taken the time to claim it. This fact hit me this weekend as we were laden with that last minute cleaning before family arrived for the birthday party. In the past, it is during these highly taxing moments that the stress-monster brandished its ugly head and I turned into some kind of panicked, control freak----not so this weekend. Today, I know why---I was dancing and didn’t even realize it.

I tend to be a bit high-strung—ok—a lot high strung. I am not as bad as I used to be; however stress does escalate the condition. Don was always able to temper that character trait and have a calming effect on my spirit. Without that mitigation the past two years there have been times I have felt a heightened sense of anxiousness and lack of control. It tends to suck the joy right out of the moment.

This weekend, for the first time in over two years, I felt balanced—like my life has finally fallen into a rhythm, which will carry me into the next chapter of my life story. It is an exceptional place to be. I am not only open to the joy of the season, but also to the prospects of what’s around the corner.

Love has found its way into my heart once more and laughter fills the rooms of my home again. Though there have been many changes in my life, my heart is at peace.

It is true ---- I am dancing.

This I know for sure.

Hmmmmm....

Shopped at Target and then at Walmart in one day---what does that make me??? ---

Yep, France

This I know for sure...

Love Trumps All!

A very well meaning family member sends me a plethora of ultra-conservative propagandaish materials on a weekly basis. I don’t mind receiving them and like most things in my life I do what every good Christian does and take to heart the parts I am akin to and discard the rest as “hogwash”. But this week’s mailing got me thinking, what is it that Christians are so afraid of? This week’s portion of propaganda centered around an “ALERT” from a family organization up in arms with the fact that gays were boycotting Walmart. Seem the corporate conglomerate refuses to grant the “same sex” marriage benefits that it gives to “traditional marriage” relationships. Target, on the other hand, did provide such benefits, so the homosexual community was encouraging the patronizing of Target over Walmart. The family organization behind the “ALERT”, as a direct line of defense in battle for traditional-Christian family values, answered back (in rather strong language) with a call to “buycott” Walmart.

Contrary to popular belief, I am a rather rational, even-tempered (for the most part) individual. However, by genetics I do have an ornery aspect to my nature, which I am unable to control under conditions such as this. Taking the personality disclosure into consideration, you have a better understanding as to why an email response was compulsory. It went something like this:

Dear ____,
Interesting email--with a "buycott" of Walmart in place it seems we should be hearing some stimulating sermons on gluttony soon---ought to make overweight Nazarenes and Christians in general a bit on edge---esp. at the holiday season. Guess my point is that many of us “Christians” seem to "pick our sin" to abhor---- and it is usually the ones we aren't personally tempted with or involved in-
Hhmmmmmm….just a thought.
Marsha

Immediately after clicking the “send” button, I called my mother forewarning her she might be receiving a correspondence concerning her “heathen” daughter. Mom, as always, giggled followed by “Now, what have you done?” Don’t get me wrong; I don’t regret pushing the send button. I believe we must make sure we are calling each other to task as readily as we call the “world” to such.

My observation is that the Christian community tends to jump on the activist bandwagon as soon as “sins”, we personally detest, present themselves as threatening to our sense of propriety. We often sight the preservation of traditional values as the platform for our actions. Is there a place closer to the hand of God for those who boycott, pontificate, and with obnoxious distain browbeat the sinners around us? I simply don’t get it. I haven’t heard of anyone boycotting a business because it provides temptation for the glutton (which, if I am correct, is also a sin), but if a bar or casino opens in our neighborhood we are all over that one.

No wonder some folks don’t want anything to do with Christians—we don’t always act very “Christ-like”. It all goes back to what Christ himself said was the most important commandments.

Mark 12:29-31
“The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

Above all else, we are commanded to love God and love each other. This frees us—it allows God to be God and supports our call to simple love. No boycotts, no strong exclusive theological rhetoric, and definitely no “holier than thou” attitudes are needed to expand the community of believers. To paraphrase Christ’s words---Love trumps all!!

This I know for sure…

P*O*E*T*R*Y

My 6th graders are writing poetry during this holiday season. One of my students asked me if I ever write poetry for fun. I had to answer honestly---no—I don’t. I am not sure why. I do write poetry on demand when I need a mentor text to share with my students for modeling purposes, but to simply sit down with the intention to write poetry---not so much. So here it goes…

Too busy to blog---

Too weary to blog---

Too lethargic to blog---

Too uninspired to blog---

Blogged out---

For now.

OK—so there is a reason I don’t write poetry.
This I know for sure…

And Be Thankful...

Apparently, being thankful is a mandatory endeavor for this time of year. I find thankfulness to be, as other emotions, a choice. A few years ago I remember Oprah challenging viewers to create and maintain a daily gratitude journal. Her premise was that each evening you were to write five things that you are thankful for. She surmised that "If you start focusing on what you have and what you're grateful for, you will then begin to see more." I have never been a big “name it and claim it” person theologically, but sometimes in dealing with life---it rings true.

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful” (Colossians 3:15 NIV). This scripture was brought to mind during this Thanksgiving season. We are CALLED to peace and to thankfulness. This scripture implies that peace is found within the boundaries of thankfulness. The benefit of thankfulness is peace—real peace—not the kind the world gives. As I looked across the Thanksgiving table at my fiancé, parents, brothers, in-laws, nephews and good friends, I was absolutely thankful.

Having a grateful spirit when life seems less than so, is not easy. Taking steps to create a thankful heart is often demanding. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving a good friend’s daughter was in a car accident on the way home from college. My friend received a vague report of the accident while at school. Fortunately, I was available to be with her as she contacted her husband for the details of the accident. For twenty minutes we waited on news. A portrait of gratitude could not have been painted more unmistakably than on my friend’s face when hearing the news that her daughter was safe. OH, what a thankful heart she must have today—and peace---yeah! It puts life into perspective.

Tonight, my grateful journal would read something like this:

• For the love of family and friends, I am forever grateful
• For the hope of another great love, I am thankful.
• For the gift of infinite laughter, I am grateful.
• For the shelter of a HOME---not a house, I am thankful.
• For the spiritual legacy of the faithful gone before me, I am grateful.

This I know for sure…

No Writing Gene

There is no “writing gene”—no magic formula to become a good (even mediocre) writer EXCEPT that in order to be a good writer—you MUST READ. My freshman in college just came to this realization. What makes me the proud mama I am is that he has decided to do something about his state of affairs and start to read!!!! Yes, in order to be a writer—you MUST read—and then---read. SO-I openly state that C. C. is one amazing young man who will someday find his "voice".

This I know for sure...
UPDATE: C. flew in the door on Thursday with an A+ on his sociology research paper. YEP--it went up on the refrigerator.

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take
But by the moments that take our breath away”

My first blog regarding this quote was on October 14, 2006. I proceeded listing those moments in my life, which have truly taken my breath away. Today, I find a new event to add to those that take my breath away and acknowledge it to all:

Events such as when…
…the man I have fallen in love with reaches for my hand, and places a beautiful 1.5 carat pav’e set diamond ring upon it and asks: “will you marry me?”—Yes, that is a moment, which takes my breath away---and did this weekend.

Psalms 30:5 states: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” My joy has come—our joy has come. It has grown over the past 14 months into something remarkable.

I often post on the YWBB that I believe those who loved well once, will love well again. I believe that the love I was able to nourish and grow all those years is the foundation of my love today. So, I embrace the future with hope that life will only continue to become more tender and fulfilling. I enter this “chapter two” with my eyes wide open. We no longer are carefree youths and life challenges, like blending two families, will be challenging; but, love is an amazing glue that binds the past with the future, memory to dream and family to family. Life will not be without its challenges, but isn’t that what living is all about? I won’t lose the opportunity for happiness due to fear of the unknown.

When I am teaching writing to my students we often concentrate on creating “strong leads”. As my “chapter two” begins, we have a tremendously strong lead. Our story to this point is quite amazing, one I will write down at some later date, but for now---I just want to share my happiness in the moment—the sense of contentment with the present and yes, great joy for the future.

This I know for sure...

Taking the High Road!!

I opened my word processor today with every intention of regaling you with an inspiring anecdote while patting myself on the back for seemingly "taking the high road" in a situation at work. Looking for a quote to support my haughtiness, I came across this one:

"Spiritual growth comes from the sum of all of our life experiences. When we choose to take the high road in situations it is often the result of having taken the low road at an earlier turn along the path."

Dang—arrogance—it is an ugly thing. I outwardly took the high road this time, only because I had staggered down the low road earlier, so never mind. It wasn't that great of an effort on my part after all. It was simply the attempt to resolve what I had screwed up to begin with.

Reflection—think I will get rid of that mirror.

This I know for sure…

What I Know for Sure----for REAL!!!

How many times have you cried out to God—wanting to simply know WHY? Why did I lose my job? Why is my marriage falling apart? Why is my child ill? Why was my husband taken away from me too soon? Sitting in my pew this morning, I was feeling a bit out of place. It has been a long week—one of dealing with disappointments and having to come to terms with the role my job will now play in my life. I was tired—weary—and a bit—negative. P.T. was summarizing the main points of his sermons the past few weeks based on the book of Ecclesiastes. He reiterated something he said earlier this month, but didn’t have the impact it did as I listened today. He merely said, “Don’t let what you DON’T understand destroy what you already know.” Unfortunately, I didn’t hear anything more---my mind turned this idea over and over.

I contemplated my blog and its title: What I Know for Sure. I discovered how trite this statement could seem without truly scrutinizing what it is that I DO know for sure. What are the absolutes in my life that I am so quick to pass over when life becomes unbearable? Why am I so quick to doubt, when there is so much that I know for sure.

It seems to be the popular thing to "take stock" these days. I have received, what seems like, a plethora of emails from friends urging me to stock of something in my life. The last one was “My Favorite Four”. The first few of these I received were somewhat novel: What are four paying jobs I have had in my life? What are four of my favorite foods? etc… I am even guilty of passing on one or two of these surveys, but now---I simply press, “delete” and deal with the four years of bad luck that is certain to come my way. I find myself in need of “taking stock” in a more constructive manner. Today, I have decided to take stock of what it is “I know”, so that when the winds of insecurity and fear blow into my life; I will not permit these absolutes to be shattered.

What I know for sure….the absolutes:

1. I have a relationship with a loving heavenly Father who loves and cares for me unconditionally. One who sustains my life and allows me to live courageously.
2. My parent’s love is unconditional. I am fortunate in this aspect. This fact has nothing to do with what I have done, but everything to do with who they are. Though I am sure I have disappointed them, I know their love remains unbroken.
3. I love my children unconditionally. There is absolutely NOTHING they could do to lose my love for them.
4. I am not perfect-and neither is anyone else. The grace I long to cover me—must also be afforded to others.
5. Contentment is a choice. It doesn’t come to me under obligation or because I am “due” it in any way.
6. Accepting the present creates the ability to build a positive future—one with hope and promise.
7. Allowing God to work within my life; to guide my judgment and mind-set develops the inner strength needed to face adversity.
8. I will experience disappointment, heartache and sorrow. It is inevitable and unfortunately just because I have experienced something devastating, doesn’t mean I have been given immunity to heartache. HOWEVER, there is One who has gone before me, experienced each of these and created within me strength for persevering through them.
9. There is no substitution for strong, enduring friendships. When life’s trials grow more than I can handle—I simple lean on my incredible friendships—those who have chosen to walk the road with me. I am more than blessed in this area and I NEVER want to take them for granted, but always want to celebrate what each and every one of them mean to me.
10. NEVER, NEVER, EVER say “NEVER” -it will, beyond a doubt bite you in the butt… So what is the lesson--I will not be bound by these absolutes, but will be guided by them.

Now, they are in print, my absolutes---what are yours? This is much more important than your favorite food----take stock so that when you are confronted with those life situations that don’t make sense; you are still able to hold onto your absolute truths-those things you...

ALREADY KNOW FOR SURE...

Bliss - the Stolen Blog Subject

I love great writing. I especially admire exceptional writing, which makes me laugh and also aspires me to think. This afternoon, I sat down to read some of my friend’s blogs when I came upon an entry by Annie about a newspaper column she had read. Intrigued, I did what any overly curious person would do and I “Googled” the author of the column: Mark Morford (SFGate). I found the article, read it and then two hours later left my computer (after reading some of his archived works). I snickered. I laughed and yes, I really thought.

This particular column, the subject of Annie’s blog, was entitled: Behold the Bliss Watch List (if you click on the title you, too, can read it).

I interrupt this blog for the familial disclaimers: Evan & Marc—you will love this guy: Dad—just get past the expletives and read the other words: Mom—I know you will like this guy’s writing, but won’t be able to admit it—that’s ok-we understand.

Morford’s assertion is that by creating a diametrically oppositional list to the “US Terrorist Watch List”, we could override the database and perhaps even shut it down (he uses much more colorful words—I can't do him justic). He wants to call this the “Bliss Watch List” (BWL). Here are the qualifications of being placed on such a “list”.

“Our screening process will be rigorous and incontrovertible and true. The BWL will contain only the names of people widely suspected of being savvy, titillating, open-hearted, deeply lovable, sexed-up geniuses of divine intent and hot self-exploration and ravenous intellectual curiosity.

It will contain the names of anyone who is suspected of daring to understand that life is not, in fact, a clenched and harrowing slog, but an actual ongoing, incessant, stunning manifestation of the divine, even when it's dirty and violent and obnoxious and horribly dressed and seems to contain only a bleak never-ending rundown of doom and decay and Dick Cheney. It's just that kind of list.”

So, here I sit, at my computer, vigorously raising my hand—PUT ME ON THE LIST, BABY if I am not "there" yet, I will work my way onto it!!

This I know for sure...

What I have gotten used to:

Today I was challenged to take a look at my life and examine what I have gotten used to, or comfortable with. This examination has been two-fold for me. For one, I contemplated what I was comfortable with that has changed and left me a bit out of my element. On the other hand I have scrutinized those areas in my life that I have become too comfortable with that have left me, for lack of a better word; lazy.

For my entire career I have had close friendships and experienced strong camaraderie at work. I am helplessly relationship driven and am fortunate to have strong connections with others in my life. With my position change this year, came a change in school buildings. I have not experienced the same comfort-zone that friendship at work afforded me in the past. Instead I find myself in a specialized atmosphere where I can perform professionally with few personal connections. I find that I no longer find those work-connections essential to my happiness on the job. Strong family and friendships outside the workplace anchor my life at this point. After analyzing, I am wondering if this isn’t God preparing me for the next step in my career. So though I was not as comfortable with this change in the beginning, I am growing to accept it and even embrace the freedom it affords.

In contrast, there are definitely areas of my life I have become too comfortable with which need to be addressed. I no longer am driven to exercise. This isn’t really a good thing. There is no reason for this other than I have been too lazy. How long does it take to walk? 30 minutes? I certainly choose to waste this much time completing trivial tasks each day. Yet, it has become “comfortable” to simply bypass the exertion. I have also become “comfortable” with clutter---NOT clutter that anyone can see, but closets, cabinets and such. I can find “stuff" stored in these areas---well---most of the time. This change did not happen over night, but is something I have gotten used to over time. It is surprising that I would become content with something that 2 years ago would have driven me crazy.

Perhaps it is time to embrace the comfort zone changes that have left me a sense of calm and to begin to change those that have compromised my standards. Either way, I suppose that comfort zone changes are like all other changes in life ----they merely take time.

This I know for sure...

Indecision 2008

Please grant me this post--I promise it will be my ONLY politically motivated post of the "season".

Is anyone else having a difficult time deciding who to vote for this next election? I am in a HUGE quandary. Many of my liberal friends call me a closet liberal, although I am a registered Republican. I often find that my ideals as a teacher conflict with my conservative views. If someone were to ask, I would consider myself an independent, but I like to vote in the primaries; so Republican I am. Today, a good friend sent me the following link:

Select the Candidate Quiz

I encourage everyone to complete it before reading on…..

I am not going to reveal who the quiz decided I should vote for. I am just rebellious enough to confess the candidate selected for me doesn’t have a prayer, but… this quiz ignited quite the discussion in my household tonight. First, I took the quiz and revealed my candidate. Then, Kent took the test and revealed his candidate. Finally, Chandler, my 11-year-old came up from playing downstairs and asked if he could take the test. For the next 30 minutes or so, we discussed abortion, taxes, death penalty, gay marriages and immigration. I don’t think I have ever discussed these topics with my son beyond the casual blurb here and there. It was interesting to read the questions with him, discuss what they meant, and then allow him to make the decision for himself. It was enlightening to have such deep discussions with one so young. Though I could easily have swayed his vote, I tried to be as “fair-minded” as possible and give him the information without the editorial—though I will admit on certain issues I expounded far more than necessary.

What makes up our moral compass when it comes to those we elect into office? As I watched my 11-year-old, I could see he answered from the “gut”. He has no experience with taxes or immigration and was simply concerned with the “people”—until we got to absolutes like the death penalty and abortion. On those issues he tended, like many folks, to be inconsistent with his decision. Someday someone will explain to me the “consistency” of being pro-life and pro-death penalty (when does life cease to have potential-but I will save that for another day).

Seems our political climate can be summed up in the following topics: the war, immigration, taxes, stem-cell research, health care, abortion, social security, line-item veto, energy, marriage and the death penalty. This list seems too small to encompass the values of an entire country. I wonder how many people truly understand the “issues”. I suspect many vote instead for the charismatic or the “popular”. I am more challenged than ever to explore where I stand on these questions. I need to ask myself more relevant questions such as what effects Presidential decisions will have on my life as well as upon the lives of the American community. I am energized to deliberately become more informed and to choose a Presidential candidate based on, not only my “gut” (or an on-line survey) but rational examination and discourse.

This I know for sure…

Blessed Are the Peacemakers

I find it interesting that whenever I am facing life situations, God finds a way to speak to me. Oh, I have never audibly heard the voice of God (though I think that would be so cool), but He does speak to me through His Word, other Christians, or any other means, which might get my attention. Frequently he speaks with a soft whisper as to direct or redirect my path, but at other times he practically yells in my ear so that I don’t “crash and burn”. Today was one of the latter days.

In my younger years, I was not afraid of confrontation (if needed), or conflict. In fact, if I felt strongly about something or felt an ideal was being defaced I could swing into action without much consideration for the outcome. As a result, I found myself in many uncomfortable situations causing a fair amount of uneasiness. I fought many “battles” and unearthed more than my share of “hills to die on”. As I have “matured” (I hope no one just choked), one skill I have consciously tried to improve is that of discernment. As a result, I don’t choose to die on every hill and my battles are fewer and further between, but unfortunately these strides have not been enough to create in me the heart of a peacemaker.

Some folks are natural peacemakers. Life is always so calm around them. No matter what conflict arises, they can find a way to create a sense of peace in those involved, even through “battle”. They see beyond the discord and can get to the root of the conflict to find resolution. Their recompense is that conflict doesn’t invade their life as much. How do they do that?

Lately, in various avenues of my life, several of my core ideals have been challenged thus causing a tremendous amount of internal conflict. Some of these challenges have to do with work, some with the church, and some with businesses. I have sat down at my computer and written more than a few emails to address each of these potential “battles”, only to trash them before sending. I have dialed numbers, and even talked out the situations with friends, only to—do nothing. When I did finally decide to stage “battle” and “choose a hill to die on”, there was no resolution, no satisfaction, no solution and definitely no peace. This wasn’t because I didn’t face the problem in a noble manner, but because when things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to I chose continued conflict over peaceful resolution.

Today’s Purpose Driven Devotional was about peacemaking – this is the God screaming in my ear part.
“No matter where you go, you are a peacemaker – showing others how to make peace with God. As a peacemaker, you also begin the process of peace between you and those who stand against you (going as far as you possibly can under God’s leadership). And you help others make peace with each other.”
Peace truly isn’t found in the absence of conflict, but in the reconciliation of it. Peace isn’t accomplished by allowing others to walk all over you or in minimizing important issues which need to be addressed. Peace is found when you truly care about resolution more than conflict and when you place your energy in a loving manner behind finding solutions over remaining in conflict.

So what does this mean to me today?
• Stop complaining – if I am not committed to resolution, then I should keep my mouth shut
• Start seeking ways to thoughtfully analyze the conflict with resolution in mind
• Start seeing the “battle” from the eye of others involved
• Choose battles that are worthy my fight—let others go knowing either someone else will take them on or they aren’t worth the effort.
• Decide if my action or inaction with affect my life one way or another in the next three years, if not, LET IT GO (this one should save much heartache).
• Realize that all the above actions impact my life as well as those of my children, meaning everything is not thrown out simply because it happens to my kids (mamma bear needs to stay in the den sometimes)

This I know for sure...

The Earring Incident

I wrote a real blog today, but forgot to forward it to my home email. When I arrived home, I decided to sit down and send an imperative email to a colleague, who I admire, concerning a misunderstanding. Anyway, as I hit the send button I reached up to take off my earrings. I thought they felt odd and a bit out of proportion. As I looked in my hands, I started to giggle; I had worn two different earrings all day. Now, that wouldn’t be a big deal except that apart from their shape they couldn’t be more different. One is TWICE the size of the other. One is laced with sparkley, diamondy stones the other very plain. How cold NO ONE notice all day?????? Not even me…. Guess my accessories aren't as important as the one on the girl in the painting.

This I know for sure...