Friday, August 17, 2007

Who Really Knows...

Who really knows what someone else is dealing with? Seems most of us are professional actors in our own life stage play. People we come in contact with on a daily basis may have hidden addictions, excessive loneliness, insurmountable pain or depression and we, are oblivious.

I find two years after the death of my husband, I am an expert at pulling off the illusion that everything is simply perfect; however, in the stillness of my existence—that is not the case. I still struggle with the widow issues of guilt, regret and that feeling that life just isn’t fair. I am wondering if and when this will change OR is this simply the reality of who I have become.

Don’t get me wrong—I appreciate all that my life is now. I would say I am even happy. I have the love of my children, a lovely home, a job I am passionate about and the hope of a future with a man I am growing to love and respect, but I can’t help wonder if I am damaged in some way. My biggest concern is that I may never be able to live the life I know that Don would want for me.

I still miss him to the core of my soul—everyday and am not sure that will ever end. I have a feeling I will simply learn to continue to live my life with that underlying feeling of loss. Perhaps this is where the “faithfulness” of God enters our lives in a real way. Perhaps we are meant to live fulfilling lives, even with loss and heartache. Perhaps the point is that we aren't to live life alone, but with the solace a true relationship with God provides.

I find myself looking into the eyes of others to see what is really there…thinking I have some great insight---but I do not. I, like everyone else, am too distracted by my own “issues” and my own “concerns” to see those of others clearly. Good thing God is not like me. Good thing His promise is that he will “NEVER leave us nor forsake us.” We don’t have to live alone no matter what our circumstance.

This I know for sure.


Trish said...

Very throught provoking post, Marsha. You're not an actor, only a widow who recognizes her tremendous loss, misses her wonderful husband, but gets up everyday and lives life despite the pain. God cheers for you as you make stides in living your new reality. He holds you when your heart is breaking. He reassures you when the road ahead is frightening and unclear.

He gives us friends that are also walking this path, so we can laugh and cry together, and lift eachother up on those days when it all seems too much.

Love you, sister,


annie said...

"Perhaps we are meant to live fulfilling lives, even with loss and heartache."

Well stated. I think this is exactly what we are supposed to do, but it is not as easy as it sounds.

Shneed said...

Marsha, I'm so sorry for all that you go through and all you have endured and continue to endure. It's a tough spot we're in. I think even if we didn't try to act as though everything was okay, people would still think it was. I'm not sure there's an attention span in this world that is long enough to accomodate others' loss. It's nice to be able to feel every shred of it in our moments alone.

Please feel free to link to my blog. I'm honored that you want to. I wish peace for all of us who have lost loved ones.