Sunday, November 05, 2006

Addendum to Simply Being Present OR A Lesson on Grief.

I just returned from a YWBB (young widow) dinner in Chicago this weekend. I found this one to be quite different from the rest. In talking my feelings out with a friend following the dinner I was able to come to some conclusions.

Grief is extremely self absorbing. It is truly ALL about you because the grief is so personal. I don’t say this in a negative or derogatory sense. It simply is. Grief is not a linear process; meaning that you don’t go through this step of grief and are finished with it never to return. No, you deal with this step of grief and may take 10 more steps forward only to find yourself back to step one in a few days. When I first started this journey I wanted to “fix it”. I am a teacher-a terrific problem solver and I looked for the formula to “fix” the grief I was feeling so that I could begin to heal. Well, it simply doesn’t work that way. I was looking for the “mark” of healing. This weekend it become apparent to me that yes, healing has not only begun, but God’s promise of becoming whole again is real.

I wish I could paint a masterpiece like DaVinci’s “The Last Supper” that would give you an idea of what the YWBB dinners are like (please don’t email me, I am in no way comparing this group to the Lord’s disciples). We sit around a table sharing a meal, but no one, not even the new members sit in the same chair for more than 20 minutes. There is a constant movement around the room that rivals musical chairs. It is as if we can not get enough of each other’s lives, each other’ stories or each other’s insights (“the church” could sure learn something from this group). For months, I ached for this attachment. I needed to go to the dinners because I was hurting and needed to be with those who “got me”. This dinner (November 4, 2006) was different. For the first time, I couldn’t wait to help another going through the initial steps of grief. I wanted to, for the first time, give and not take. It wasn’t until after the dinner that I realized that was my “mark” that healing was underway. It was no longer about me, but about someone else. It was no longer about my support, but about finding ways to give it. It wasn’t about my own self absorption, but actually WANTING to be apart of someone else’s. I believe this is a gauge of healing no matter your circumstances. When you get to the point where it is less about you and more about others—healing can begin to complete its work in your life. Healing can not only begin…….but for the first time becomes possible.

This I know for sure


our dad said...

Its been coming. Its been near. It was obliterated by the fog of self obsorption to some degree but the healing have been evident. Although there were times when I thought you had reverted to your teen years when it was all about you. On occasion I have wanted to send you to your room...oh well...I'm to old and your too mature for that. I could see change and realized you were struggling with it.

Click, the switch goes up and the light comes on. Give it time and watch how you will allow God to increase the power and the light gets stronger. Did I read somewhere, "come unto me you who are burdened and heavy laden"? Perhaps that is what the healing person needs to say to another who is hurting. Is that what happened last Saturday night? Did you take on another's burden? Was it not rewarding to realize you had walked the path and knew where the stones were and could help lead one who was hurt down the trail of healing? It has been coming. It has been near.

...that I know for sure!

mfisteach said...

OK Dad,
You really MUST stop doing this without warning. I am at home sick with an amazing cold and now, so stuffed up from the tears your comment brought to my eyes.

I love your statement "Click, the switch goes up and the light comes on." It truly was THAT kind of experience. I also know that there have been many times this past year that I most definitely should have been sent to my room (like I would have stayed there--some things never change LOL)

I must express a huge amount of love and appreciation for those of you who have patiently "put up with" my self absorbtion this past year. I have felt the support and cheers from the sidelines---I am blessed.

....that I also know for sure.

Anonymous said...

Nice Pictures - especially that first one! Just kidding Kent's are great too! Mine is posed - his are "action shots" - Boy one dinner and we are famous! Marsha - you really captured some excellent thoughts in that last post! Your Dad seems like a special guy! Keep writing... Take Care! - You know who this is!

mfisteach said...

Yes, J,
I do know who it is---thanks for the great photo. It makes us all look good. You know this journey is an amazing one--meant to be shared--thanks for that.