My widow sister Alicia posted about clarity this week (Clarity). Her post resonated with me. I was reminded of her words as I was driving home from school on Monday. The fog in Central Illinois was unbelievable. I couldn’t see ten feet in front of the car and had to travel a highway to get home from school. I asked Chandler to be my second set of eyes and to keep me informed of familiar landmarks so we could navigate our way home a bit easier. I was sure I could keep my bearings if I could identify those familiar landmarks, but the fog was so dense, that familiar markers were unidentifiable. I became overwhelmed with the feeling of helplessness. I was a slave to the weather. It is very easy to become lost without “clarity” and that sense of helplessness can become oppressive.
My life has been clouded in thick fog for the past two (plus) years. Since Don’s death I have had a general since of losing site of some important aspects of who I am and what I need to do to continue life in a productive manner. Some of my “life landmarks” have been clouded in fog and I have done what any young widow would do, I have kept on “driving”: hoping that someday I will wake up and everything will be clear again---praying that I don’t get totally lost or worse.
Don’t get me wrong, one aspect of my existence that is perfectly clear is my relationship with Kent, but other facets of my life are unrecognizable. Other things, like finances, simply elude me. Now, I was never all that stellar in this area anyway, but through the fog of my life—it seems worse. Taking care of myself physically, seems to have taken a back burner to, well, everything. Through the fog, it has been impossible to be motivated anyway.
The lack of vision may be the biggest consequence of this life fog. I seem to simply be living for the moment—the day at best. I have a wedding to plan, two households to join, a new life to create and what have I accomplished to that end? I have a dress to wear and that is about it—no flowers have been ordered, no caterer has been hired, no stringed quartet has been procured—where is my vision as well as my energy? I am teaching with an administrative master’s and no plan to use it—where is my vision? OH, and did I mention I need to get to the gym in order to fit into “the dress”? I need clarity.
I long for someone to point out life landmarks through the fog. You know, those milestones that keep life clear when circumstances get muddled. There is but One who can be that visionary. Turning over the driver’s seat of my life fog to a God who loves and cares for me, should be one of the easiest things I could do. Then why isn’t it? Why am I so unwilling to allow Him to create clarity which naturally leads to the energy and wisdom I need to regain control of my life? All I have to do is ask—and the fog will begin to lift-the helplessness would ease. Yes, I will be required to take action as well, but I need clarity in order to move ahead with confidence and for that, I pray. On the road to clarity…
…this I know for sure.
Writing Challenge - Forever Changed
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