Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Through the Fog

My widow sister Alicia posted about clarity this week (Clarity). Her post resonated with me. I was reminded of her words as I was driving home from school on Monday. The fog in Central Illinois was unbelievable. I couldn’t see ten feet in front of the car and had to travel a highway to get home from school. I asked Chandler to be my second set of eyes and to keep me informed of familiar landmarks so we could navigate our way home a bit easier. I was sure I could keep my bearings if I could identify those familiar landmarks, but the fog was so dense, that familiar markers were unidentifiable. I became overwhelmed with the feeling of helplessness. I was a slave to the weather. It is very easy to become lost without “clarity” and that sense of helplessness can become oppressive.

My life has been clouded in thick fog for the past two (plus) years. Since Don’s death I have had a general since of losing site of some important aspects of who I am and what I need to do to continue life in a productive manner. Some of my “life landmarks” have been clouded in fog and I have done what any young widow would do, I have kept on “driving”: hoping that someday I will wake up and everything will be clear again---praying that I don’t get totally lost or worse.

Don’t get me wrong, one aspect of my existence that is perfectly clear is my relationship with Kent, but other facets of my life are unrecognizable. Other things, like finances, simply elude me. Now, I was never all that stellar in this area anyway, but through the fog of my life—it seems worse. Taking care of myself physically, seems to have taken a back burner to, well, everything. Through the fog, it has been impossible to be motivated anyway.

The lack of vision may be the biggest consequence of this life fog. I seem to simply be living for the moment—the day at best. I have a wedding to plan, two households to join, a new life to create and what have I accomplished to that end? I have a dress to wear and that is about it—no flowers have been ordered, no caterer has been hired, no stringed quartet has been procured—where is my vision as well as my energy? I am teaching with an administrative master’s and no plan to use it—where is my vision? OH, and did I mention I need to get to the gym in order to fit into “the dress”? I need clarity.

I long for someone to point out life landmarks through the fog. You know, those milestones that keep life clear when circumstances get muddled. There is but One who can be that visionary. Turning over the driver’s seat of my life fog to a God who loves and cares for me, should be one of the easiest things I could do. Then why isn’t it? Why am I so unwilling to allow Him to create clarity which naturally leads to the energy and wisdom I need to regain control of my life? All I have to do is ask—and the fog will begin to lift-the helplessness would ease. Yes, I will be required to take action as well, but I need clarity in order to move ahead with confidence and for that, I pray. On the road to clarity…
…this I know for sure.

4 comments:

my3angels said...

Marsha,

That was such a beautiful way of writing about what I've been feeling as well. Ironically, the fog I've been in seems to lift periodically only to re-emerge leaving me feeling lost and obscured in the mists of life again.

Lisa said...

Beautiful post, Marsha--as always.
In some weird way, I think that life-after-loss fog makes things even clearer. It forces us to take our eyes off all the things that don't really matter. And when we can't see what's ahead (or even right next to us), we have no choice but to simply put one foot in front of the other, trusting that God is still there working his plan in us.

And on a practical note: I'm pretty good at the detail stuff...and I'd love to help you with ANYTHING in the weeks ahead. Just give me a list!

Marsha said...

Lisa,
Thanks so much for the offer---you will never know how much that means to me.
Marsha

Annie said...

Wedding planning, merging families. Yep, been there and left much to the last minute. I ordered flowers a few days before if I remember right. We picked them up on the way out of town to our wedding destination. If not for my best friend, my dress might have been the same last minute thing (she pointed me in all the right directions for alterations and such). I left the details to Rob and just smiled and nodded. There is a sense of fogginess that settles most strongly when life begins to shift directions for real and its not just a theory or a someday anymore. It's normal. Recognize that you will be more inclined to inertia and then plan around it.

Deciding to live the rest of our lives as opposed to just drifting along with the current is a huge and exhausting thing. You will be fine. When you need the time, answers, help - they will be there (are already probably) and all you need to do is look or ask. I gave my future over to God the day I accepted that Will was going to die and in return I asked only that when I truly couldn't do it on my own that he would supply. I have yet to be let down.