Saturday, May 12, 2007

Feeling Fragmented

Ever feel like there are times in your life when nothing fits together completely; like your life is simply a patchwork of fragmented pieces that don’t work together in any ordered manner? This is where I reside tonight.

It has been almost 20 months since Don’s death. I have grown, the kids have grown, I have even begun to rebuild my life; yet, I seem to miss his presence more than ever. My son was crowned prom king last week, I had major surgery, my oldest graduates from high school in two weeks and I know these milestones have triggered this rush of sentiment, but the feelings are still genuine and are mine to discern. Someone on the YWBB board posted about the fact that they miss the one person who understood them “best of all”. I understand fully that void and wonder if there will ever be someone who “gets me” like that or if I have the energy to reveal that much of myself to someone else.

I am taking on a new teaching post next year. I began my teaching career in middle school English. I taught middle school for 7 years and have spent the last 14 in the intermediate grades. I have decided to travel full circle back to middle school English next year. Though I am excited about the change, I wonder what I was thinking—making yet ANOTHER major change in my life at this point.

As a mother, I am exhausted—yes—I admit it. Single parenting is not something I signed up for. Being “mom and dad” is called being “spread thin”. So, I wonder if either job is being completed adequately. I do pray that in the end, my kids won’t suffer too much from the strain of only having one parent who is, at times, less than sufficient.

And I question…..

pretty much everything. My confidence has diminished. I am even questioning this post since I am only two days out from surgery and realize emotions are on edge. I am consoled by the fact that I know there are many of you out there who feel the same way as I do-those who feel fragmented or disjointed; yet, who continue each day because you also “eagerly desire the greater gifts” (I Cor. 12:31) and have been promised to be shown the “most excellent way.”

So tonight I put to rest some of these fragmented sections of my life, or at least I give them over to the One who can create a beautiful “life” quilt from my disjointed pieces.

This I know for sure…


Stephanie said...

"if I have the energy to reveal that much of myself to someone else."

I hate the thought of having to "reveal" myself to someone again. Tell the stories all over again, explain the family dynamics all over again, etc... sigh... it's heavy.

Happy Mother's Day to you!! While the rest of the world may seem like a puzzle, what I want you to "know for sure" is that you and other widdows like you are my light at the end of the tunnel. Because of you I know I can succeed at being a good mom (and dad.)

my3angels said...

Marsha, I was really touched by your post about being in "a holding pattern". I too feel fragmented and like I'm in a holding pattern just waiting for God to reveal what's to happen next in my life.

I wonder when things will just feel , well to sound cliche, normal.

I enjoy reading your blogs. You have such an eloquent way of expressing yourself and your words give me such hope and help my faith along as well.